MAX CRUS: Masking the truth about masks

They may be good for keeping the virus away, but do masks hide the real you?

On the face of it, this whole mask thing isn’t really working as intended, and that’s just scratching the surface, which of course you shouldn’t do.

Everyone is wearing them now, since the mandate for a doctor’s certificate to not, but while they were expected to make things a lot of fun and you could get away with if not murder, you could at least ignore people with impunity and buy stuff that you wouldn’t ordinarily buy in front of people you know, the reality is very different.

Most disappointingly, people still recognise you, notwithstanding that for those of us who weren’t very good at remembering faces in the first place, things are no different.

And there goes any plans to rob a bank. How did they ever get away with it?

Equally disappointing are the masks themselves.

Sure there’s some nice indigenous patterns, likely made in China, which is somewhat ironic given many still blame them for the whole thing, but isn’t that cultural appropriation?

The skull version of the bandana, de rigueur for Bandido bikie types well before the pandemic, were frightening at first but a well-worn cliche now, specially by middle-aged blokes with midlife crises, while the disposable ones are already the new McDonalds/KFC/Tweed Bait litter of choice for anti-vaxxers/anti-maskers.

Then Ms L. came up with an idea. She reckons I look like Julian Assange so wouldn’t it be fun to have a mask replica of the lower half of his face? Probably could rob a bank then, except Julian has a huge beard now which is as tricky to render on a mask as it is under one.

What about other celeb’s, she pondered? My suggestion of Hitler was met with an appropriate mix of derision and appal, but Salvadore Dali would work.

Then Ms L. hit on the winner, get a face mask with a photo of your own face on it. Gold.

Imagine the issues early on until people twigged that you were in fact wearing one, yet still wonder is it really you?

A whole new market would open up for photographers to photoshop out the wrinkles!

That didn’t go down so well.

Imagine the look on the face of your tinder friend when you took it off to have a drink on that first date.

You could swap masks with your family and friends and buy cask wine with impunity. Speaking of which:

REVIEWS

Winesmiths SA The Mulga Edition sauvignon blanc 2021, $64 (Four pack of 2L casks). How long since you‘ve had cask wine? Still going strong since 1970, indeed maybe stronger. This Mulga Edition is one of a stable of four including an SSB, Shiraz and Grigio, and is flash value for 17 standard drinks. Can’t wait for the Mallee, Wimmera and Snowy editions. Everyone should get a guernsey and a goon. 8.9/10.

Winesmiths SA The Mulga Edition Shiraz 2020, $16 (2L cask). New cask taps are fabulous. Not a single drip, no matter how hard you

Winesmiths SA The Mulga Edition Shiraz 2020, $16 (2L cask). New cask taps are fabulous. Not a single drip, no matter how hard you shook it. Sure it's basic barbecue shiraz but 20 glasses for $20 is bloody good barbecue value, probably cheaper than your sausages. 8.7/10

shook it. Sure it‘s basic barbecue shiraz but 20 glasses for $20 is bloody good barbecue value, probably cheaper than your sausages. 8.7/10

Witches Falls SA Wild Ferment Aglianico 2020, $40. Wonder if Witches Falls are fans of MFW? They should sponsor them. This is an SA adventure of the Granite Belt grower, and good on ‘em. How many people can say they’ve had an aglianico? Who knows it’s proper red wine? 9.3/10.

Witches Falls SA Wild Ferment Aglianico 2020, $40. Wonder if Witches Falls are fans of MFW? They should sponsor them. This is an SA adventure of the Granite Belt grower, and good on 'em. How many people can say they've had an aglianico? Who knows it’s proper red wine? 9.3/10.

Witches Falls SA Wild Ferment Marsanne 2020, $38. Tired of wimpy gris and grigio, sauv blanc, or sem? Get a marsanne into ya and throw another shrimp on the barbie while you‘re at it. That’d go well actually. 9.4/10.

(Elderton) Small Victories Wine Co. Riverland Vermentino 2021, $25. “Live in the moment”, suggests the back label. Well, sure, let‘s have another vermen’. Farmers would appreciate it. 9/10.

(Elderton) Small Victories Wine Co. Barossa Valley Rosé 2021, $25. They don‘t say what kind of rosé but suffice to say it’s suitable fare for an afternoon’s play at the zoom barbecue. 9.2/10.