Max Crus: Sorry Scotty misses the mark

We should have some empathy for poor Scotty from Marketing, even if he can’t repay the compliment if it’s his empathy coach’s day off, writes Max Crus.

CANBERRA, AUSTRALIA - NewsWire Photos JULY 25, 2021: Prime Minister Scott Morrison during a press conference at The Lodge in Canberra. Picture: NCA NewsWire / Gary Ramage

We should have some empathy for poor Scotty from Marketing, even if he can’t repay the compliment if it’s his empathy coach’s day off, he’s finally worked up the courage to say sorry, he “hasn’t achieved the marks he was hoping to”.

Struth, Scotty, who hasn’t looked at an exam result and thought the same thing? More importantly Scotty, you haven’t achieved the marks WE were hoping you would too.

Every report card I received from school said the same thing, and more importantly, so did Mum and Dad.

Like a petulant but not quite contrite schoolboy, Scotty from Marketing, faced with a shocker report card and the risk of being suspended, tried to change the goal posts.

If only ATAGI would change their advice, Scotty’s marks would look so much closer to a pass.

And why shouldn’t ATAGI take advice from someone who isn’t even qualified in marketing let alone medicine or health? Okay, hands down please class.

I did the same thing. Why didn’t teachers ask questions I knew the answers to? Why couldn’t the pass mark be lowered?

Naturally Mum and Dad took a very dim view of their dim son when it came to schooling and tried to offer some advice – “You’ve got to knuckle down”.

Scotty? Do you hear us?

Failing that, which it invariably did, they tried the punitive approach - “If you don’t try harder, we’ll send you to boarding school, that’ll smarten you up.”

This of course was an ambit claim, even as 10-year-olds, Big Brother and I were pretty sure they couldn’t afford it, although since most private schools got millions in Job Keeper from fudging school fees during lockdown, perhaps they could now.

What’s going on there, Scotty? Another fail.

But I digress and anyway, private school clearly didn’t do Scotty any good. (Hey, Mum and Dad, look at how much money I saved you.)

So, Scotty, Mum and Dad’s advice is exactly what you need now : spend less time on sports (rorts), mucking around in car parks (rorts), abusing girls behind the shelter-shed, knuckle down, take a good hard look at yourself, and stop trying to blame everyone else for your bad marks, or else you leave us no choice but to send you to the back bench.

Speaking of knuckling down :

Puttin‘ on Lau-Ritz by Debbie Lauritz Central Ranges Grenache Shiraz Mourvedre 2019
How many times did Debbie endure Ritz-ual abuse as a kid? At least it’s a good nickname, and now she’s monetised it. Take that, bullies. This would be $25 per glass at the Ritz, and you wouldn’t complain. 9.4/10.

Kirrihill Clare Valley Regional Series Dry Riesling, 2020, $19
This is what riesling is all about : bright, crisp, fruitful but dry, flavourful, and under $20. If you could choose only one wine for the rest of your life, this would work, and wouldn't soak up all your super. 9.3/10.

Kirrihill Clare Valley Regional Series Shiraz, $19
“You will watch the opening ceremony, you will watch the Olympics, you will respect the culture of the Olympics...and you will drink this. Umm, thanks Lord John, but I‘m not doing any of that, except maybe drink this. 9/10.

Left Hook Margaret River ‘First Round’ Cabernet Shiraz 2020
The maker, Rory Clifton-Parks is passionate about boxing. With a hyphenated name he probably had to fight a bit as a kid…unless he went to a private school in which case Kostya Tszyu was probably his personal trainer, which may explain why his First Round is pretty good. 9.1/10.

Blue Pyrenees Estate (Pyrenees) Exclusive Release Organic Grenache 2020
Ooh, ‘Exclusive’. A nice relief from Limited Release, makes you feel exclusive rather than limited. Quite a different take on grenache from Barossa and McLaren Vale too, thus it’s even more exclusive. 9.2/10.

(Blue Pyrenees Estate) Pet Nat, NV $38
Pet Nat is all it says on the label, cool. One of those cool, petulantly natural wines all the rage in the background of hipster club meetings and beard expos. Despite that, it‘s really interesting, slightly spritzig wine not unlike flat-ish cider but without the deflating realisation that it’s made of apples. Pork and apple sauce would work though. 9.3/10.