Rio-ver it: 15 sports that aren't Olympic-worthy
A GOLD medal for bouncing on a trampoline? Here's 15 sports we think are simply not worthy of Olympic status.
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OPINION:
OLYMPIC fever is upon us.
Or it could be Zika virus symptoms, we're not sure, but something is going on because I've got the cold sweats, waking up through the night to a soundtrack of Bruce McAvaney's Olympic playbook.
Fair play to some of those competitors in events like the marathon, the 100m sprint and even the cycling road race. You will be well deserving of the praise that will be heaped upon you.
But some others, well, I'm not so sure. There's a number of very questionable sports that simply shouldn't carry Olympic gold as a reward.
Here's 15 sports that really shouldn't be in the Olympics:
DRESSAGE:
Arguably the 'sport' least deserving of Olympic status of the lot.
You basically dress up like the Monopoly man and show you are better than Robert Redford in The Horse Whisperer.
Not many things rank worse than nursing a hangover and flicking the tube on to watch rich kids prancing around an arena battling it our for gold because they can make a horse dance.
I can make my dog do tricks too but I shouldn't get a gold medal for it.
SHOOTING:
In theory this should be a sport dominated solely by the US given their love of all things firearms.
Still struggle to see how it is a sport though. We've all played Big Buck Hunter at the pub but not many of us thought a high score after 10 schooners meant we were elite athletes.
And those pistols look nothing like a gun. I'd like to see musket shooting introduced as the only Olympic shooting if it had to remain.
ARCHERY:
I know one of our own in Ryan Tyack just won Olympic bronze in the men's team event and, at risk of upsetting a group of people with an uncanny knack of firing arrows precisely at targets, I'm going to say it shouldn't be an Olympic sport.
It's like darts on steroids.
Put an apple on someone's head and then see how good they are.
GRECO-ROMAN WRESTLING:
What. Is. This?
With terms like the bodylock, gut wrench, arm drag and bear hug you'd expect something relatively brutal and entertaining.
The reality couldn't be further from the truth.
Ancient rules forbid holds that would hurt an opponent. The result: a heap of large, sweaty men spending a few rounds rolling around on a mat hugging it out.
JUDO:
Almost as frustrating as Greco-Roman Wrestling.
There's more grapple than a Melbourne Storm game and the prolonged scrabbling is only broken up with a competitor flipping another to the ground every now and then.
It's a ju-no for me for judo.
HANDBALL:
First played in Germany and Scandinavia in the late-19th century.
That's probably where it should have stayed.
Looks a bit like dodgeball and soccer had a baby.
The worst bit is the dramatic, intimidating leaps before someone slams the ball past the goalie into the net. It screams White Goodman every time.
Surely schoolyard handball is much more worthy of Olympic status. Four-square, six-square or hell, even 12-square saw match-ups of epic proportion.
Imagine the intensity. Sausage rolls going cold from the tuckshop, the end of recess bell is set to ring in minutes and the undisputed king from lunch yesterday has just called lines.
Edge of the seat stuff.
BACKSTROKE:
Swimming is undoubtedly an Olympic-worthy pursuit. Freestyle, breaststroke and butterfly are all fair tests of athletic prowess.
Backstroke, however, is not.
It's basically the option for the kids who weren't good enough at the former three strokes but were smart enough to a) swim in a straight line and not smack a shoulder into the lane rope, b) battle through the water rushing up the nose and in the ears and c) manage not to smash a wrist into or headbutt the wall.
Seriously, when was the last time you went to the beach for a bit of backstroke?
SYNCHRONISED SWIMMING:
Just no.
Water aerobics is not a sport, I repeat, not a sport.
Plus it's sexist. There's no male event in Rio.
What's with that?
TRAMPOLINE:
The only acceptable use of a trampoline is on a skateboard with trucks removed, pretending to do snowboarding tricks.
Everyone's done a pin drop, backflip, knee drop and somersault. They do not deserve gold medals.
Hot tip: Don't set your trampoline up on a downhill slope close to eucalyptus trees.
RACE WALKING:
The sport for those who just weren't good enough at running.
Congratulations. You've mastered an art we all learned as one-year-olds.
The only way this sport would be better is if they had to catch a bus and were late for said bus, but couldn't break into a run to catch the bus.
The winner gets on the bus. If they all miss the bus they have to walk to the destination, no medals, the only reward is remaining in the Olympic village and not being marched out immediately.
That's real entertainment and deserved punishment for people who go that fast without running.
RHYTHMIC GYMNASTICS:
Negative ghost rider. What you've just done is called dancing. Not sport.
If it involves Lycra and ribbons there's no way success should be considered among the pinnacles of sporting achievement. Sorry.
STEEPLECHASE:
As if running 3000m in a circle wasn't pointless enough, these clowns jump hurdles and get wet feet at the same time.
The real gold medallists here are the shoe and sock makers. Anyone who can do this without scoring cricket ball-sized blisters should be giving their gold to the sock manufacturer.
SYNCHRONISED DIVING:
Again, not sure how this became a thing.
Sure, it takes talent, coordination, teamwork and a lot of razors but is it really a sport, let alone an Olympic sport?
Great value at a swimming carnival and no doubt these guys honed their talents jumping from the roof of their mates' two-storey homes at under-age parties, but does that mean they deserve a shot at one of the most prestigious sporting prizes on the planet?
Highlights are one half of the team nailing the dive and the other creating shock waves with a horror landing. Perhaps they should be shuffled straight into a boxing ring post-dive?
CYCLING- KEIRIN:
So five-and-a-half laps of the velodrome are spent stuck behind a pace bike, usually a moped or motorised bike, while the lycra-clad riders jostle for position.
With two-and-a-half laps to go the moped bails out, by then at speeds of about 50kmh, and the cyclists duel it out for the gold medal.
I'm sorry, but why not just make it a two-and-a-half lap sprint race then?
Originated in Japan reportedly for gambling purposes. You'd get long odds on me staying interested enough in a race to see the finish.
CYCLING-BMX:
I'm not picking on cycling. Okay I am. But this isn't right.
What this essentially says is if you have a dream- to skip work, keep riding your Mongoose at the skate park as a 22-year-old in between sessions on the Orchy bottle - you can win gold.
What next? Scooter racing/tricks? Who can bunny-hop their way into history?
Apologies to all you kids out there who are legitimate stars on the Huffy. Keep going, but remember to also stay in school!
NB: Nicole Kidman may or may not be responsible for the rise of BMX as an Olympic sport following the success of her 1983 hit film BMX Bandits.
ADDITIONS:
So, what do you reckon? Have a few slipped under my radar that you think either shouldn't be there or sports that should be there instead? Let us know.
Any comments or criticisms are basically unnecessary, I've probably already been shot by an arrow in a ride-by BMX attack.
Originally published as Rio-ver it: 15 sports that aren't Olympic-worthy
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