Angela Mollard: Young women lured by the stay-at-home mum fantasy

Looking back, I’ve failed to show my girls the upside of independence. I’ve championed feminism but at times I’ve made it look like drudgery, writes Angela Mollard.

Eight years ago I wrote an article that really annoyed some people. Mostly, it annoyed Karl Stefanovic’s former wife, Cassandra Thorburn, but it also annoyed one of my friends.

In short, I wrote that women shouldn’t give up their jobs when they have children but do everything they could to keep even their little toe in the workplace.

I argued that couples needed to work creatively to find a solution so that both could retain some paid work.

Cassandra was livid and took to her keyboard to give her (rightful) response. But even more furious was my friend Julie (not her real name) who went all out on social media arguing with my article and upholding her choice to be a stay-at-home mum.

At dinner with mutual friends she raged about what I’d written. For ages I hoped I wouldn’t bump into her in the supermarket.

Social media stars such as Hannah Neeleman, of @ballerinafarm fame, are influencing young women with videos of cute children and bread baking.

And then … well, then her marriage broke up. We met. Talked. Her husband had long supported the family with his big finance job.

She’d also had a big job before kids but had given it up. We’ll get to what happened to Julie shortly but why I’m revisiting this episode is because we’re back here again.

A new generation of women want a man to support them. I can’t give you statistics but, culturally and anecdotally, it’s a growing theme.

Of course, some of the commentary is satire, notably TikTok star Megan Boni’s “Looking for a Man in Finance” song which has gone viral not just because it’s catchy but because its sentiments are anchored in truth.

“I’m looking for a man in finance, trust fund, 6’ 5, blue eyes” she posted on the platform, inviting DJs and artists to remix the riff which they have to mass (and amusing) effect.

Indy Clinton and her family.

Indy documented her journey from teen to mum on Instagram.

Is it any surprise that young women want a ticket out of hard graft? When messages of “quiet quitting” and “lazy girl jobs” permeate their social media feeds and trad wife influencers such as Hannah Neeleman, of @ballerinafarm fame, lure them with videos of cute children and bread baking, you can see why the alternative to financial self-sufficiency looks appealing.

Young women are reporting that “daddy energy” – basically a confident bloke who makes women feel safe and protected – is now a desirable characteristic in a man.

But we don’t hear much from “finance guy” or whether “daddy energy” is something men feel proud to emit.

A decade after former Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg wrote her empowerment manifesto Lean In, I know more women ignoring her advice and leaning out.

Likewise, the “man as provider” narrative is edging from a religious fringe to the mainstream.

Witness NFL star Harrison Butker’s regressive commencement address arguing that women find more fulfilment being a homemaker than pursuing a career.

Even Meghan Markle is entering her tradwife era – the launch video for her new business shows her stirring a pot and arranging flowers. To date, she has yet to monetise her jam-making.

Women need to stand on their own two feet financially, because modern marriages are more fragile than ever.

So is there really a problem with a woman being financially dependent on a man? Hell, yes. As I said back in 2016 and reiterate here: “Because marriages are more fragile than ever, because women need to retain their financial agency (and their superannuation), because it’s bloody hard to retain love, support and mutual respect when one person is paid for their efforts and the other isn’t.”

I get wanting a man in finance. For years my best friend and I have joked about the super-rich finance guy who asked me on a date. I turned him down because I’ve always connected better with people who are passionate about things other than money.

But there’s been moments when the mortgage has been unrelenting and the work insecure when I’ve fantasised about saying yes to finance guy.

I also applaud wanting to raise your children but believe it’s perfectly possible for both partners to work and parent effectively.

But I recognise it’s my generation of women who need to take some responsibility for our daughters being seduced by the finance guy/trad wife phenomenon.

Looking back, I’ve failed to show my girls the upside of independence. They’ve seen me hunched over a laptop, taking calls from editors at dinner time and becoming bad-tempered because I’ve had too much on my plate.

I might have championed feminism but at times I’ve made it look like drudgery.

I just texted my 20-year-old asking whether she’d prefer my life or that of 26-year-old mother-of-three and TikTokker Indy Clinton who recently revealed she’d never been to a job interview.

“Um, probably Indy Clinton,” she texted back. “She looks like she has fun.”

Ten minutes later she texted again: “But I also know you like your life.”

Yes, I do, but I haven’t always talked it up.

It’s been crazy but I’ve had it all: the closeness with my kids, the satisfying career and the cake baking. I can also pay for my own holidays.

As for Julie, she got a job, a new bloke and looks happier than ever. I really hope Cassandra is too.