What to do when your ex hooks up with the person they told you not to worry about

It really doesn’t feel as funny as the meme

Even though you can say you saw it coming, an ex getting with the person they insisted you shouldn’t worry about can hit hard. Sexologist Chantelle Otten shares her top tips to recover.

No matter how many times you say you’re going to start trusting your intuition, it’s easy to abandon it time and time again. 

The most glaringly obvious flirting can be talked away by your loving partner describing the other party as just a friend, colleague, acquaintance or perhaps the strangest excuse, ‘like a sister’.

Your openness to trust both yourself and future partners can really take a hit after an ex hooks up with the person they told you not to worry about. Resident sexologist for Body+Soul and Bumble, Chantelle Otten describes it as feeling like a breach of trust “twice - once when you questioned it, and again when your worst instinct was confirmed”.

According to data from Bumble, 41% of single Australians say it takes 6 months to a year to recover from a significant heartbreak. Here’s how to make the process easier after living the internet’s most iconically heartbreaking meme.

Remember it’s nothing to do with you

Otten says “this isn’t a reflection of your worth, or how lovable you are. It’s a reflection of where your ex is at in their own emotional journey - and that’s no longer your responsibility.”

“In fact, it can be helpful to remember that you dodged a dynamic that clearly lacked the kind of transparency and care you deserve.”

Your openness to trust both yourself and future partners can really take a hit after an ex hooks up with the person they told you not to worry about. Image: Getty

Take this as an opportunity to reevaluate your standards

Watching an ex gravitate straight from you to the person they told you not to worry about can push you to put your walls back up. But the sexologist says it may be an opportunity to get clear on what you want and deserve in a relationship.

“Maybe you become someone who values openness about past relationships. Maybe you start paying closer attention to emotional availability. Or maybe you stop romanticising people who are inconsistent. Whatever the shift, it’s about choosing differently - not out of fear, but from wisdom.”

“It might also be a moment to pause and ask yourself: What are my boundaries around honesty, trust, and emotional safety? If someone has clearly crossed a line by being dishonest about their intentions or connections, maybe it’s a cue to say, “Actually, this isn’t something I can accept in a relationship.”

Maybe you become someone who values openness about past relationships. Image: iStock

Rebuild trust

It may feel like you’ll never be able to easily trust someone again, but the sexologist says there is hope, you just may need to take baby steps. 

You don’t need to push yourself to immediately start going on dates again, and Otten says when you do, “you don’t have to be fully healed to date again, but you should feel like you’re choosing from a place of empowerment, not pain.”

She recommends shifting focus to you for a while, starting with trying to rebuild your ability to trust yourself. 

“Check in: What signs did you ignore? What did your body know before your mind caught up? Reclaiming trust in yourself is the foundation for trusting someone new.”

You don’t have to be fully healed to date again, but you should feel like you’re choosing from a place of empowerment, not pain. Image: Getty

Don’t make pain your personality

It can feel like the natural course of action is to head straight to your ex’s socials and go through every photo, tag and message to see if you missed something or to try to convince yourself they’re not happy now.

The sexologist argues that “while you’re healing, a little digital distance is healthy. Unfollow, mute, block - whatever you need to reclaim your peace.”

If you feel ready to date again, date – there’s no set grieving period. One in three Bumble users say it’s completely acceptable to start dating again within a few months of a breakup, so do what feels right for you.

It can feel like the natural course of action is to head straight to your ex’s socials and go through every photo, tag and message to see if you missed something. Image: Getty

And if you’re still finding yourself full of doubts, Otten has some guidance:

“Yes, it hurts. But you are not broken. You are someone who loved deeply and expected honesty - and that’s a strength”, she adds. 

“Love is still available to you. Trust is still possible. And your next relationship doesn’t have to carry the weight of your last one.”

Originally published as What to do when your ex hooks up with the person they told you not to worry about