Money, money, money is actually not funny if you’re in a relationship, according to the Body+Soul 2024 Sex Census which grilled more than 2,000 people on their love lives and discovered that finances cause the biggest heartache for couples. 

When we asked our survey respondents, ‘what do you and your partner (or last partner) argue about the most?’, an overwhelming majority (17 per cent) said it’s about money. And while there are plenty of other reasons for spats with spouses, none came close to cash. In fact, the second most common thing people fight about – which is family members outside of the household – is only an issue for six per cent of Aussies, while arguments over sex are a problem for just five per cent. 

Other fire starters that cause chaos between couples include each other’s contribution to the house or family (an argument for five per cent for people) and time spent on their phone (five per cent), as well lifestyle habits, the mental load, chores, running the household, children and family (all four per cent each). 

Fighting over money is ‘standard’

Someone who gets a front row seat to the worst of Australia’s relationship rows is divorce lawyer Cassandra Kalpaxis who claims bickering over money is “very, very standard”. She tells Body+Soul: “In fact it is, in this economic climate that we’re in, probably the number one cause of separation, which filters into other aspects of why people separate, but it’s definitely one of the critical causes.”  

Why? “I think money really just dictates the way in which a house operates and if it's in flow,” Kalpaxis explains. “So when the money's bad, everything's bad, and when the money's good, everything's good. And it's really easy to argue over everything when the money is just not flowing into the household.” 

Then there’s the fact that expectations have changed. “Energy is not being put where it was once put,” says Kalpaxis, adding that people now also need more money to be able to live up to certain standards and that’s not happening. “Then one person doesn't understand the impact of the lack of finances or the cause of their financial relationship being different, and that's what people are arguing about at the moment.”

How not to let finances ruin your relationship

#1. Be transparent

“There needs to be a really transparent conversation about money, which a lot of people are uncomfortable about,” the divorce lawyer who doubles as a couples coach says. “But we need to get really comfortable talking about expectations in terms of money; what we're supposed to be bringing in, what the household needs, and how that's going to happen.” 

Which unfortunately is the opposite of what Kalpaxis witnesses. “What I see generally is one partner trying to do all of the wheelhouse in the background to hide the problem from the other. That problem might be not enough money is coming in or there’s too much expenditure. So then the other person tries to create more money so they don’t have to have the conversation and that creates another problem altogether.”

#2. Be realistic 

“Be realistic about expectations in terms of money,” Kalpaxis urges. “And make sure that everybody is on the same page about living to a certain standard with the money that they have available so that everybody is operating on an even exchange of energy. When expectations don't align with reality, that's when I see huge problems.”

#3. Have a financial plan 

Does the average everyday Aussie need a prenup? Not likely. Save those for people with generational wealth who want to preserve and protect their assets (but also keep in mind that prenuptial agreements aren’t always binding). 

“For the majority of the people who come to see me, they’re not arguing about their big income and big estates and what the effect of that looks like,” the lawyer explains. “Most people are coming to see me to talk about the fact that one person was working and trying to live a certain life, and the other person was spending. Or because that person was working and trying to live to a standard, the other person had an affair because that person was so absent.”

So what’s the solution? Discuss your financial landscape and come up with a joint plan that you’re both happy with. “And be really genuine about what the reality of it looks like,” Kalpaxis says. “Because hiding behind those things will really be a huge cause of fights, arguments and  disagreements which will lead to major other things in the long run.”

#4. Set the tone for joint accounts 

“Sure, joint bank accounts are amazing,” Kalpaxis says. “Everybody gets to see what's going on. There’s transparency. There's visibility. But joint bank accounts need to have a level of expectation and operation around them. Like, ‘This is our joint account and this is what it will be used for’. And that conversation is about setting the tone and the standard for the way in which the account will be used.”

#5. Keep your own bank account

“Particularly for women, I love to see there being an account on the side,” Kalpaxis says. “And that’s the emergency fund. That is the independent fund. Of course, if you separate, that's going to be included in the pool, but for your day-to-day life, absolutely. Have the account there, and it’s then there if you need it.”

#6. Pay rent (if you can)

“I see really ridiculous expectations sometimes when people separate,” the divorce lawyer says. “I might have one party who hasn't worked during the entire course of the relationship, who has been looking after children, who doesn’t have any kind of special skill set that they've previously worked in before, and then because the relationship is over, the other party says, ‘You need to start paying off the rent’. Well, how is that supposed to happen? Explain what that looks like.”

She argues that being really realistic about these things is super, super important. “And if you can contribute, absolutely contribute, because the more it's an equal exchange of energy, the more likely it is that the flow in the household is going to be great. And that flow can extend through to the sexual relationship, the physical relationship and the money relationship, and will enable you to work towards things together.

“It’s when the flow of money is off, and one party feels like the other person's not putting in their fair share or not being able to meet expectations.. that is when there is going to be problems.” 

#7. Push back particularly if you’re a woman

“I think what's really interesting at the moment is a conversation that needs to be had around the role of women, particularly in this space, who are the primary income earners for their families but they’re also the caretakers for their children and they're also doing the mental load,” Kalpaxis says. “And how all of that feeds into the breakdown of relationships that we're seeing at the moment, too.”

Because as a natural consequence for taking on everything, women are coming to resent their lives. “I'm seeing so many women coming in and questioning what value their relationship brings to their life when they’re essentially doing all of the load on their own.” 

The answer? “Very clear communication and the beauty of saying ‘no’ and pushing back,”  explains Kalpaxis. “So many women think, ‘I'll just do it myself because it's quick’, or ‘I'm not going to feed into that because I don’t want to have the argument’, or ‘Dont worry, I’ll just add it to my list because I'll get it done’. But the problem with that is that we weaponise the incompetence of our partners and then they get to the stage where they're like, ‘Okay, that's great, that’s one less thing I need to do, she's got it under control’. And that is a huge resentment piece.” 

So speak up ladies, and start sharing the load.