What your halloween costume says about you: Nikki Osborne

As Halloween approaches it’s time to look at costumes – or in many cases the lack of effort that results in costumes.

Nikki Osborne on what your halloween costume says about you

We’re all starting to accept that Halloween is a tradition that although isn’t ours, is here to stay.

As you gear up for another year of pounding the pavement in your makeshift ensemble, here’s what your Halloween costume says about you!

● The garbage bag:“We’re not even American!” you mutter as you search through your dump drawers for something your kid can wear for an impromptu trick or treat. “Here, wear this” you say as you whack a garbage bag over their head. You’re tempted to freak the neighbours out by then putting them in the boot but you resist as you already look like a shitty enough mum for not spending the last three weeks at Spotlight like the other mums who also volunteer for canteen duty. Gross. You love your kids but you’re also a feminist and resent the pressure to be a Holly Hobbie.

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● The face paint:You’re a step up from the garbage bag parent but are you really? You also think this adopted American custom celebrating death is a load of crap but bite the bullet and drop $4.95 at Coles on some questionable zombie paint. It can’t be any worse than the toxins in the Reject Shop chemical bags of lollies the kids will be having punch-ons over can it? You’re the type of parent who also puts in the bare minimum effort for Book Week. In your mind, elaborate costumes are for bored mums and guilty absentee fathers.

A red devil halloween costume

● The blow-up alien: All right, while you’re not original, you are the fun parent. You’ve seen these blow-up aliens running off with kids on Instagram for the last five years and godammit it’s your time to shine! And when I say you’re time, I mean it. You actually end up buying the costume for yourself so you can be the funny one and so all your kids’ friends think you’re cool. Mission accomplished. Every kid delights at your antics meanwhile your kids slope around in their garbage bags and zombie paint.

● The naughty nun: There’s still life in the old girl yet! The naughty nun costume is your one opportunity, nay excuse, to actually be sexy around the other parents whereas the rest of the year you have to apologise for your looks to make sure your kids still get invited over for play dates. Your husband mistakes the outfit as an outfit for him but he’s quickly dispelled of that notion when you return from trick or treating in 30 degrees and peel off your sweaty head piece giving you an oily bum part and a red itchy forehead.

● Wednesday: You watch too much Netflix. You probably also post too much of your kids on Instagram.

● The Exorcist: Okay you’re a risk taker and a piss taker. You’re also probably that woman who enjoys watching crime mysteries before bed. You’re that parent whose kids are eccentric and perhaps a little bit weird so you just run with it. You all actually secretly get a kick out of freaking the other families out. Good. That’s the whole idea. Well played. Your kids mightn’t make any friends but they’ll certainly have respect in the schoolyard.

● Scream mask: You grew up on a steady diet of Smash Mouth and blink-182 and you always share the meme that says the 80s isn’t 20 years ago – it’s 40! Scream was your rite of passage as a teenager at sleepovers, getting so freaked out you spent the night with your friend’s parents.

● The skeleton:You’ve walked through an el’cheapo shop and gone, bugger it, this’ll do for the next five years.

Originally published as What your halloween costume says about you: Nikki Osborne