‘The F$&k You’ method: Nikki Osborne’s fail-safe revenge response

Revenge can come in many forms but there seems to be one method that works better than most.

At some point in our lives, we all have a moment that makes us want to get revenge. Whether it’s a relationship dumping, an affair, a work sacking or a friend who does you dirty, we all reach that crossroads of: do I stand tall, be the bigger person and walk away with dignity or do I seek petty revenge?

I had a religious upbringing so I was always taught to turn the other cheek. While this is a very noble path, and those around you probably admire your self control, turning the other cheek multiple times can end up making you feel like a toddler in a Melbourne daycare centre mid winter with slapped cheek ready to have a dummy spit! It’s a very long play with not a huge amount of satisfaction.

Then there’s the revenge tactic. Now you don’t have to search hard on google to find great petty revenge advice. There’s some absolute crackers. You can sign someone up to a tele marketing list. Or you can put prawn heads in the curtain rods. Or you can keep signing into their Netflix account and change it to Indonesian.

Nikki Osborne. Picture: Peter Wallis

One of my particular favourites however is the milk spritz. This could be applied at your ex’s house or at work on your final day. What you do it put some milk and water into a spray bottle. You then go around to all the soft furnishings and give them a light spritz. Now it’s important you don’t saturate as that will give the game away, nay, just a light squirt here and there and then you can just sit back and let the fermentation process slowly do its thing rendering the entire place almost uninhabitable.

My husband and I have a mutual understanding that we can never get divorced because I know that he’ll do well in court because he’s diligent with paperwork and he knows I’ll blow his car up!

I know I’m talking big here but I’ll sadly admit that as tempting as it is, I’ve never actually got petty revenge on anyone.

Sure it’s a great short term fix but does it fix the hurt?

Another coping mechanism when you’ve been hurt is to send them to the burns unit with your words. If you can’t think of anything yourself that’s okay.

There are plenty of “Jimmy Carr-esque” one liners at your disposal on the internet. A few good ones include: one day you’ll go far, I hope you stay there. I’m jealous of the people who haven’t met you yet. Is your family tree a cactus? Because you’re all a bunch of pricks. What doesn’t kill you, disappoints me. Look, there’s so many, you can knock yourself out.

Or, you can use the “F$&k You” method. You won’t find this method on the internet or on a Mel Robbins Book.

This is my method and I’m gifting it to you today. While I’ve been lucky in love, I’ve been burned many times throughout my career. Now, we all want to be successful right?

Well, I’ve found the F$&k you method is the best way to fast track that.

Basically, whenever I have a hard knock back by someone, I then choose a very specific achievement that I know will drive them crazy.

For example, one particular job knock back was because I didn’t have enough Instagram followers.

Well, what a great motivator that was. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I put the F$&k You method into action and studied social media for a year.

I now have more social media followers than their talent stable put together. Revenge? Tick. Success. Tick.

Another male comedian said I’ll never make a good comedian because of how I look.

F$&k You.

I wrote my first stand up show. It sold out nationally and my 10th ever stand up show was when I was invited to do a televised set at the Opera House.

He was also there but didn’t make the televised cut. Revenge? Tick. Success? Tick.

They say that life’s rejections are merely redirections and I must say that by adopting the “F$&k You” method after each blow, I’ve had my greatest achievements!

By all means if you want to just egg his car, go for it and if you are strong enough to just turn the other cheek, I admire you but next time life kicks you in the guts, remember this article.

Success is your greatest revenge.

Originally published as ‘The F$&k You’ method: Nikki Osborne’s fail-safe revenge response