‘Space cadet’: Nikki Osborne on what she really thinks of Katy Perry

Imagine going all the way up to space and coming back and telling everyone only the most banal details. Nikki Osborne has a lot of problems with Katy Perry’s space mission.

Singer Katy Perry returns to Earth, where she now feels ‘super connected’. Picture: NewsWire

Today I’m here to talk to you about Katy Perry. Why? Because imagine going all the way up to space and coming back and telling everyone absolutely nothing about what it’s like going to space.

I must say she’s come across as a bit of a space cadet … and that’s hard for me to say as I’m a fan. She’s come back and she said she feels super connected. Connected to what Katy? Certainly not your audience because we have no idea what you’re banging on about.

We know you were connected to a seat belt in a seat and we want to know about that. Did it give you a wedgie? What was it like in the seat going up? Was it like a rollercoaster without the bendy bits? Did you feel sick? Did you need to pee? Did your legs feel heavy? Did Orlando look after your daughter or did you have to book a babysitter? What did your face look like when you were going up to space? Was it like a facelift or was it like a shar pei?

Is that why we haven’t seen any footage of it?

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Or did you not go at all and it was all made up? I’m not saying that but other people are because there’s not much evidence of the full trip. Or most importantly, my youngest wants to know, did you get ear bubbles?

Super connected you say. I mean really? I don’t need to go to space to feel super connected I can just go and do a yoga class or go on a retreat or take some mushrooms. It’s much cheaper.

And then when you were actually in space and you were weightless … what did that feel like? Did anyone fart? Like, you must’ve been nervous.

The six space tourists just after touchdown. From left Kerianne Flynn, Katy Perry, Lauren Sanchez, Aisha Bowe, Gayle King, and Amanda Nguyen. Credit: Blue Origin

Did you scream the whole way up? For the rest of us mere mortals Katy, who aren’t friends with what’s his face Bezos, we’d actually like to know what it’s like to be weightless. Did you just feel really, really drunk when you were upside down or did you even know you were upside down or were you the right way up because we live Down Under and we’re always upside down and it feels normal. So I’d assume that’s the same in space but we wouldn’t know. Why? Cuz you didn’t bloody tell us.

Instead you got your group photo that looked like The Real Housewives of Space and kept carrying on like the dude on mushrooms in Nimbin.

I love your music Katy and you’re usually a great storyteller but I’m glad you weren’t the writer on the latest Star Wars.

And another thing we all want to know is were you ever nervous that you were going to be the next submarine explosion implosion? History tells us that whenever rich people go in a small vessel it usually blows up.

Nikki Osborne. Picture: Peter Wallis

Did you ever think, hmmm, maybe I shouldn’t get in this small capsule with Bezos’s fiancee because she is entitled to a lot of his fortune. And if he wanted to keep all of it, all he’d have to do is pull the trigger and this thing will blow up and BOOM, it’s an accident and you are actually our firework Katy.

Did you ever think that? We were all thinking it. Thankfully it turns out Bezos likes his fiancee.

Anyway, Katy, do us all a favour and tell us what it’s actually like in space because for us mere mortals who don’t have a couple of mill or bill in our pocket you’re kind of the closest we’re ever going to get to knowing what it’s like.

And if you haven’t even actually reported what it feels like in space then perhaps it’s not all it’s trumped up to be.

Anyway, I still like your music and I send my well wishes to Orlando but yeah, tell us what it was actually like?

Originally published as ‘Space cadet’: Nikki Osborne on what she really thinks of Katy Perry