‘Always some bugger who spoils it’: Nikki Osborne on the unwritten rules of Christmas

If you’re one of those people who buy kids toys for Christmas without the batteries included you should be punished, don’t do it, writes Nikki Osborne.

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Christmas is a magical time of year but there’s always some bugger who spoils it.

Now this may not be intentional because a lot of the rules of Christmas are unwritten.

So in order to help everyone have happier tidings this year, I’m putting the unwritten rules into writing.

●Bin etiquette: We use the saying “off like prawns in the sun” for a reason. It’s because prawns go off in 26 seconds. So who on earth would think it’s a wise idea to put the prawn scraps straight into the wheelie bin? We all know Boxing Day isn’t complete without wheelie bin street cricket, however, last year we found ourselves copping wafts of what could only be described as a science room dissection freezer after a power outage.

● The rule:Thou shalt keep prawn heads in the freezer until the morning of bin collection. That’s right, not even the night before. Don those boxers and do that morning bin run.

●Big Santa presents.Don’t do it. Santa is meant to be a nice guy who loves all children, not just those in the bayside suburbs. If you want to buy your kid a jetski, firstly, can you please adopt me, and secondly, just make sure it’s from you and not Santa. It’s hard enough explaining the logistics of Santa carrying a jetski in his sleigh as well as explaining to my kids that Santa doesn’t love them any less because they got a voucher.

Nikki Osborne shares her tips on how to survive Christmas.

● The Christmas lunch clean up.If you didn’t cook it, guess what? You clean it.
I don’t care if you’re a guest and have never been in this person’s house before, you pick up those plates and grab that tea towel. Hosting Christmas is fiscal and logistical suicide. You’re basically allocating yourself as the slave for the day and it shouldn’t be that way. Be a good guest, peel yourself off the leather couch, and bang some pans. Oh and if you dare say “I’m letting it soak”, I will slap you.

●Giving presents without the batteries. This crime should come with a sentence. Don’t do it.

●Christmas carpark road rage: Look, we’ve all clearly misjudged our timing and have ended up together in hell (Westfield carpark on December 23). So, don’t go thinking that your Christmas present panic is any more pressing than anyone else’s. Remember, it’s Christmas, we’re meant to be jolly, so if you’re going to steal someone else’s park, smile and wave while you do it. No kind message in this one, carparks are dog eat dog. Good luck.

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●Group text messages:Receiving a group text message at Christmas makes me feel more unspecial than if I hadn’t received one at all. I might as well be on a group date on the Bachelor watching him snog another woman in a chocolate bath.

●Sleeping in on Christmas morning when there are kids in the house is a massive no no: By all means set an agreed wake-up time but anything after that is just plain selfish. Needs must be met. Excitement can’t be contained. You can’t let one adult get up and wear all of the badgering solo. Get that arse up and be the jolliest arsehole you can be.

●Political discussions: If you must have them, can you kindly leave it until after everyone has eaten and the kids presents are opened so when you do bring up America at the table, you’re ready to go.

Thank you to my loyal readers, have a wonderful Christmas.

Originally published as ‘Always some bugger who spoils it’: Nikki Osborne on the unwritten rules of Christmas