Nikki Osborne’s best Qweekend columns
Comedian Nikki Osborne is hot right now – from sold-out shows, TV appearances and exclusive columns. These are the best of the best.
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Nikki Osborne has developed a cult following for her regular Qweekend columns that tug at the heart strings, make us laugh out loud, or shake our fists in anger.
She added to her growing portfolio when appointed Nova 106.9 Breakfast host, alongside Ash Bradnam and David “Luttsy” Lutteral.
These are Nikki’s best columns >>>
Mortgaged up to my tits - the Aussie dream is a lie
I am starting to think, in fact, nay, I’m convinced, that our current lifestyle formula is structured to maintain misery.
How do they do this? By perpetuating the myth that the great Aussie dream is a four-bedroom house and a pool in the suburbs. Sprinkle in a kid or two and BOOM, you’re living the dream!
I’ve busted my arse for the past 20 years to work towards this dream and I’ve never been quite so miserable and disillusioned in my life.
What your drink order says about you
We live in an incredibly judgy society and this article is no exception. Here’s what people are secretly thinking about your drink order:
● Margarita: People think this is a young party person’s drink but at $23 a pop, it’s ended up the Sunday drink for middle-class mums. Give me one margarita and I’ll … fall asleep. You’re the fun mum who hasn’t given up at life yet, however, after a margarita or two it’s curtains. That reminds me: I need to pick up my new ones from Curtain Wonderland.
● Limoncello spritz: Why drink an Aperol spritz when you can brag about your Italian holiday by ordering a limoncello spritz! You’re normally a prosecco drinker but bust out the limoncellos at a restaurant as a flex. And also so you can get properly laced because you’re no longer in Italy and your life is depressing.
Miserable cow? You’re turning into a Karen
The other day I caught myself doing the unthinkable.
I was out walking the dog with my husband in our “Pleasantville” estate, when a boganmobile with a P plate opened up out of the roundabout and fanged towards us.
Without thought, I found myself lifting my arms and giving the “slow down” signal to him. My husband then turned to me, eyes wide with horror, and I turned to him, tears of realisation welling in my eyes. He then said to me in disgust: “WTF are you doing?!”
I was overcome with shock and shame when I realised I’d just done a “Karen”.
Not all Trump supporters are ignorant, racist bigots
Does calling someone a conspiracy theorist mean they’re wrong? Buckle up – it’s time to address the elephant in the room.
Let’s face it, we’ve just experienced, nay, are still experiencing one of the craziest blips in history. If Covid wasn’t enough, we are now witnessing one of the most unbelievable presidential election lead-ups in history. Both events have been incredibly polarising, causing a very obvious split between camps.
Society has become so black and white. You’re either a pro-vaxxer or an anti-vaxxer. You’re either pro-Trump or pro-Democrats. It fascinates me how triggering these terms have now become.
‘I’m no Leo, but horoscopes are a crock’
I’d always been a dabbler in star signs. When I say dabbler, I mean, I’d read my daily horoscope in the paper and if I liked it, I’d take it on board but if I didn’t like it I’d go “what a crock of shit”.
I always thought that astrology was a bit of fun conjured up by women who smell like incense and look like Gandalf. It was about as useful as their aluminium free deodorant and the evidence was as obvious as my apparent “orange aura”.
Then April 16, 2005 happened. After years of dating duds, I thought I’d roll the dice on finding a stallion at Flemington Irish Stakes day.
‘One thing you must do to save your marriage’
They need to introduce a mandatory trigger training course for social media.
Social media is making morons of us and if you don’t realise you’re a moron yet, you might be about to.
We’ve come to accept a new lack of social etiquette online that there’s no way we’d accept in real life.
So let’s for a minute imagine everything you comment or post online is something you’re yelling out in the street, or to someone’s face.
Starting to panic? Good.
It’s called your home page for a reason. It’s your digital home. Your friends, family and pets are all there. Watching.
‘One thing feminists need to remember’
I’m discovering that it’s almost as impossible to be a guy now as it is to be female.
In Australia that is. Obviously I can’t apply that statement to other countries where women are still banned from education and forced to wear what they’re told.
Feminism certainly has its place, as we’ve had to battle hard to get equal rights, but are some feminists going too far?
Oh Lordy, I can already feel the pink hair brigade’s keyboards angrily firing up. Hear me out first. Then you can start calling me a misogynist. A misogynist you ask? Yes, that’s one of the many names I’ve been called by my very own sisterhood.
WATCH: Man busted stealing high-priced tools from Bunnings
Police are calling for help to identify a man who made repeated trips to Bunnings and would appear to steal expensive items with a sneaky strategy.
Man dies after Brisbane Valley Hwy crash
A Lowood man, 74, has died after a car caught on fire on a major highway west of Brisbane.