The one crucial question I forgot to ask my husband before marrying him

When you first meet someone, you ask questions to check compatibility – do you want kids, are you religious? But we forget one very important question, Nikki Osborne writes.

Nikki Osborne says we need to be asking our prospective partners this question.

When we first meet someone, we tend to run a check list of all the things we are compatible with. We ask the questions: Do you want kids? Are you religious? What star sign are you? What’s your five-year plan? Are you as into Christmas as I am?

And while these questions are all incredibly important, there’s one question we tend to overlook and that question is: Are you an early worm or a night owl?

My husband and I failed to ask this crucial question, and although we’ve been together 20 years, we’ve missed about three of those because one of us was asleep.

This column was originally published in September 2024 and has been resurfaced as part of The Courier-Mail summer columnists series.

I go to bed early, he wakes up late, Nikki says.

That’s right, I go to bed early and he wakes up late, and as a result, we miss spending around three hours a day together. But the question is, is this a good thing?

One could say it’s sad that every evening my husband is up watching a movie on his own, and every morning I’m sitting on the deck, watching the sun rise, sipping chai on my own, and yes, sometimes it is a little lonely.

However, it appears to be a winning formula because 20 years is no mean feat. Perhaps we need that time without our beloved up on our face? Is being on the same schedule overrated?

Perhaps one of the biggest wins of this combination is it’s a great way to distribute chores … hey, who says romance is dead.

He can do the pack down at night: rearrange the dishwasher, turn off the lights (we know how much dads like lights on), wipe the benches and I can get up in the morning and unpack the dishwasher, make the breakfasts and take the dog out for a poo on number 27’s curb.

Also, it means that I’m already in a deep sleep when he comes to bed so I’m not bothered by his Darth Vader impression as he rolls into my face. Then in the morning he’s not bothered by my…wait, nope, I’m perfect.

The side of the bed you choose is your side for life, Nikki warns.

Actually while we’re on the sleeping arrangements, can I issue a warning to any young lovers staring down the barrel of a lifetime of co-sleeping together.

When we first started dating, one fateful night we chose a side of the bed to sleep on and little did I know I would be relegated to that side for the rest of my life. Even on holidays.

Every now and then when, heaven forbid, I suggest we switch sides for the night he looks at me as though I’ve threatened to push him off a cliff. That’s his side and there’s no changing it. Even if I feel like my back is bending out of shape to fit the divot in the mattress, and my digestion might actually benefit from sleeping on the other side for a night but no. That’s it. He goes full Mandalorian on me and says: This is the way.

Right, back to sleeping hours.

Yes, it would be nice to have a morning buddy to go swimming with or to run with but that’s what girlfriends are for, right? Plus, you’ve gotta gather your thoughts at some time.

For example, he’s asleep right now while I’m writing this article.

I’d actually struggle to get any work done if we were on the same hours because we can’t help but chat. I guess that’s a symptom of liking each other still.

Also, my husband says he needs to have at least two hours of power down after the kids have gone to bed and that is when he’s most productive.

So my question: Is this a winning combination? Or would it be better to be on the same sleep cycle?