‘A fur covered wrecking ball’: The dog breed you should avoid

You went to the pet shop to buy a boggle-eyed gold fish and instead came back with a dog who looks like one, Nikki Osborne reveals the dog breeds to avoid.

These are the dogs that you should avoid at all costs, writes Nikki Osborne. Picture Dean Martin

Although controversial, my two previous articles about “what your dog breed says about you” have certainly been quite the conversation starter. However, it appears people are upset that I haven’t offended their dog breed yet. I hate disappointing people so here are some of the breeds I had overlooked. Woof.

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Corgi:You’re a traditionalist. In fact you’re so traditional I’ll bet you’ve still got carpet in your lounge room. You bought a corgi as a testimony to old values. You loved the Queen, you loved watching Neighbours and you think girls in cheeky bikinis shows a lack of class. You’d never vote for a republic and you believe that if your dog isn’t named after the royal family then is it even a proper corgi?!

A corgi. Picture Dean Martin

Bichon frise:You’re a little bit extra. Not in a gen Z TikToker way but in a “we have a gold drinks trolley and a grandfather clock” way. You like that most are challenged by the fancy articulation of your dog’s name. In fact most people think your dog is the expensive sauce for steak at the pub. Basically, you have a good chortle at your fellow countryman’s commonness as you sit back and watch the ABC News. In your recliner.

West highland terrier:You’re hard of sight and are often relieved as it prevents you from seeing your dog’s constant eyeboogers and crusty food moustache on its white fur. You love that your dog, while little in stature is BIG in gumption as it pulls on the lead to start a fight with a german shepherd. You’re a bit annoyed at yourself though because although you divorced a grumpy old man years ago, you’ve replaced it with another one. At least it doesn’t pee on the seat though. Just people’s picnics in the park.

Chihuahua: You’re incredibly comfortable in your own skin and personality. In fact, you carry this rat dog around in your handbag as a badge of honour. Your dog is proof that you’ve got a big heart and give zero f--ks about what anybody thinks about you. In fact, your heart is probably bigger than your dog. If you can call it that. Yes I’m giving your dog a hard time but I know you love that little thing so hard you could crush it with a snuggle. You actually could. So be careful.

Nikki Osborne.

Great dane:Couldn’t afford a horse so you got a small horse that barks. Great dane owners always have a bit of country in their heritage. Your dog is a flex of how much you love dogs because only a true dog lover would be willing to put in a two-handed effort to pick up your dog’s mega crap at the dog park. You also love people but probably find yourself living alone because your house horse’s slobber isn’t welcomed by prospective partners or flat mates. You don’t care though.

Beagles:You’ve got a good sense of humour. You could’ve bought a companion dog but decided life’s more interesting with a dog who runs out into a hailstorm and wonders why it keeps getting hit in the face. You’re the type of person who never takes life too seriously which is good because your dog is only interested in two things: doing dumb shit and getting into mischief.

Boxers: You went to the pet shop to buy a boggle-eyed gold fish and instead came back with a dog who looks like one. Much like beagle owners, you wanted a dog that makes you laugh. You’re also not much of a green thumb either, because you’ve basically bought a fur covered wrecking ball.

Originally published as ‘A fur covered wrecking ball’: The dog breed you should avoid