Nikki Osborne on what your dog says about you

They say criticism is the most reliable form of autobiography, but it’s your choice of dog that says the most about you, writes Nikki Osborne.

Columnist Nikki Osborne

They say criticism is the most reliable form of autobiography, but I say it’s your choice of dog that says most about you.

Let’s start with the obvious: the doodle. Nothing screams “we are a single-income family without any financial stress” like a doodle dog does. Why?

Well, firstly, they cost a fortune. And secondly, a doodle ends up a full- time job for one of you.

This is the exact opposite of what you want.

Doodle owners aren’t proper dog people. Come on, admit it. You’re people who like the idea of a dog but don’t want to bust out the Dyson daily.

Your choice of dog breed says a lot about you.

Doodle people want a living teddy bear that occasionally interrupts their kids’ X-box games and looks good in a bandana on the school run.

Instead, you end up with a fat dog with a tight perm who, at the park, forgets its own name and runs into the sunset like Forrest Gump.

Do you really want a dog that snores while you are awake?

● French bulldogs: These dogs say “my kids want a dog but I don’t want to walk it so screw it, I’ll pay $8k for a dog that snores while it’s awake”. Frenchies are the bogan’s chihuahua. They’re the perfect showpiece to flaunt about at the cafe, but they’re stocky enough to make you feel almost like a staffy owner.

● Staffies:You’re a hard worker, good on the tools and accept that you’ll never get your bond back.

● Golden retriever:You didn’t want a dog that shed hair everywhere but had a change of heart after seeing your friend’s duffer doodles. Golden retriever owners have chosen the path of least resistance and are resigned to the fact that a dog that gets on with everyone is worth the daily antihistamine and fur-covered upholstery in the Range Rover.

A typical pomeranian owner needs lots of memory on their phone. Picture: Midjourney

● Pomeranians: When you’re not buying accessories for your panting pompom, you’re sending memes of poms to your friends. You have no storage left on your phone because it’s full of pomeranian photos.

● Rescue mutts:You’re a good person. Sure, your dog isn’t the prettiest, has a heart murmur, can’t play near children or is called ihop because it’s missing a leg or two, but that doesn’t matter because you can sleep well at night knowing you’ve done a good thing. It’s awesome. However rescue dog owners tend to
want to tell everyone they’ve got a rescue dog. You don’t have to tell us; we can tell by its face.

Owning a border collie is the next best thing to owning a farm.

● Border collies: Although priced out of the market, you’re still clinging to the dream of having acreage with a cow or two. On your fifth walk around your housing estate, you’re starting to wonder why you bought such a high-energy dog as you watch it round up another five maltese terriers in the local playground. “Don’t worry! It just thinks you are sheep,” you exclaim as your dog nips at the ankles of three children running away in terror. You would have whistled them back if you were on a farm. But you don’t have a farm. And you can’t whistle.

● Labrador: You bought a lab because you wanted the smartest dog that’s family friendly. “He could’ve been a seeing-eye dog but he had too much personality” you tell everyone, but you know deep down that your dog failed the test because his loyalty was to food and not to you.

● German shepherd:You’re sick of people so you buy a dog that will clear a park for your quiet enjoyment. You binge watch Inspector Rex and still to this day have not watched I Am Legend because you’re not a masochist. While you’re exhausted from explaining to your doodle friends that your dog won’t hurt them, you secretly enjoy the power that comes with having a kick-arse dog.