How to handle a jealous friend
What should you do if a close friend is overly demanding and jealous of the time you spend with your other friends? Clinical psychologist Jo Lamble has some expert advice.
Stellar
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As wonderful as friends are, maintaining friendships isn’t always easy. So what do you do if one of your close friends starts getting jealous of the time you spend with all your other friends? Find out the answers in this week’s Dear Stellar column.
A fairly new but close friend of mine has started questioning me and getting jealous when I spend time with other friends.
I adore my friend and do invite her to most things I do, but I’ve found myself lying to her when I see other friends just so I can avoid her questions.
I don’t like lying to her, but I find confrontation difficult. How can I resolve this situation?
I’m a little concerned about this new friendship of yours. Red flags are waving. If she is a newish friend, then now is the time to set some boundaries.
Please don’t keep lying to her about seeing your other friends. Hold your head high and openly chat about how you spend your time, and ask about her life.
If she starts to get intense or jealous, don’t defend yourself or lie about what you’ve been doing. Instead, gently explain that you have lots of friends and you’re happy that she is one, too.
If she questions why she wasn’t invited to where you went, or why you didn’t spend your time with her, ask her what is going on.
Try saying something like, “I can hear that you’re upset you weren’t invited,” or “You sound offended that I didn’t see you on the weekend.”
Then see what she says. If she accuses you of leaving her out, or of not being a good friend, again don’t defend yourself. Just keep giving her empathy for her jealousy and hurt.
Hopefully, she will admit she has some insecurities she needs to work on. If she doesn’t own her problem and blames you for her pain, it may sound harsh, but my advice would be to let this friendship go.
My two adult sons had a falling out over money and it has affected my whole family as they won’t be in the same room as each other.
I’m devastated and have tried talking to both of them, but every time I do, they both accuse me of taking the other son’s side.
I just want them to patch things up so I can have a happy family again. How can I help make this happen?
If we thought it was tough when our young children fought, it’s nothing compared to the pain caused when adult siblings fall out.
All parents want their children to get on at any age. But for everyone’s sake, it’s so important you don’t try to force the pair to reunite.
And you cannot be seen to take sides, even if you know it would obviously help if each understood their brother’s point of view.
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If the subject does come up, suggest that they have some mediation. There are wonderfully trained mediators who have skills to deal with situations just like this.
If they won’t agree to mediation, hopefully time will help. Keep seeing both of your sons and talk about anything but the falling out.
It will be hard, but try to resist the urge to inform each of your sons about their brother’s life. Think about how many children have separate relationships with parents who are divorced.
If there is hostility between the parents, the children of any age have to divide their time and attention between both parents.
They can’t be seen to take sides, and they can’t try to force their parents to get on. Everyone would like a happy family, but sadly sometimes it’s just not possible.
That’s why no matter what happens, you need to keep your relationship with each son strong. I really hope they work things out but, unfortunately, you’re pretty powerless in this situation.
Got an issue for Jo to tackle? Send your question to stellar@news.com.au.