Should I help my son with his homework?
It’s a dilemma every parent faces: if a child is struggling to do their homework, is it OK for Mum or Dad to step in? Clinical psychologist Jo Lamble has some advice.
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Every week, clinical psychologist Jo Lamble answers two questions from readers asking for expert advice on modern social dilemmas, family issues and relationship problems.
I have a dilemma I would love you to help me out with. A close friend of mine recently started dating a new man. Unbeknownst to him, we have mutual friends.
My mutual friend told me a story about this new man that shocked me. Not only did his behaviour towards a woman disgust me, it also made me question him as a person and gave me reason to be worried for my friend.
So, do I tell my friend this story as a warning or do I let her make her own mind up and potentially get hurt in the process?
Most people don’t like to hear third hand what is wrong with the person they’re dating. You need to tread carefully for your sake as well as hers.
I wouldn’t say anything just yet because perhaps they won’t be dating for long. If she continues to see him and you can hear how much she likes him, you could casually mention that you have friends who knew him when he was in a previous relationship.
Hopefully she will tell him about this coincidence and your friend can notice his reaction to this news. When you’re next talking, you could ask if he was surprised by the connection and see what she says.
You could also suggest going out together. See how she is with him and how he treats her. The best way to talk to someone about your concerns about a relationship is to talk about your observations of them when they’re with their partner. For example, if she seems a bit insecure or lacking in confidence, that’s worth noting.
Then you can gently express your apprehension in terms of her behaviour, not his. But if she appears to be really happy and you see that he treats her well, unfortunately I don’t think there is much that you can do at this stage.
I am the parent of a nine-year-old son, who is very intelligent but also quite disorganised and lacking motivation when it comes to school work and assignments.
If it were left to him, no homework would ever be completed, so I tend to step in when we realise something is due at the last minute and I end up doing most of it myself.
I realise this is not ideal, but I don’t want him to fall completely behind his classmates and become even more unmotivated either. Any advice?
It’s so hard isn’t it? You can see what your child needs to be doing and when, but he just doesn’t do it.
The temptation to help is very strong. But not only is it not ideal for you to be completing his assignments, it’s going to make things much worse down the track when it matters. Homework for a nine-year-old is not essential for his education.
What’s far more important is that he slowly learns good study and organisational skills.
Encourage him to be fully aware of what work he has to do for the week. At nine, the amount of time he’s doing homework should be quite minimal.
Help him create a schedule that allows him plenty of time to play and relax and do any extra-curricular activities he has on. Then when you know he is meant to be doing his homework, make sure the household is fairly quiet and boring.
He won’t feel like working if everyone else is having fun. Make sure he has realistic expectations about results. And reward effort, not the marks he gets.
If he doesn’t get the work done, it may sound harsh but let him face the consequences at school rather than doing it for him.
Got an issue for Jo to tackle? Send your question to stellar@news.com.au.