How do I tell my richer friends I have money issues?
My friends make a lot more money than me and when we go out, I often can’t afford to pay. How do I tell them? Clinical psychologist Jo Lamble has some expert advice for this week’s Dear Stellar.
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My friends make a lot more money than me and when we go out, I often can’t afford to pay. How do I tell them? Clinical psychologist Jo Lamble has some expert advice for this week’s Dear Stellar.
Question 1: I have a close group of friends that I frequently socialise with, who all make significantly more money than I do. We’re all foodies and love to go out for dinner, but they tend to pick pricey fine-dining restaurants and it’s sometimes a stretch for me to afford it, especially given we always split the bill.
I enjoy spending time with everyone and don’t want to miss out or be a party pooper, but I’m struggling to make ends meet sometimes and it’s stressing me. I feel too embarrassed to admit to my friends that I have money concerns as none of them appear to.
I suppose I feel as though they’re more successful than me. What would your advice be?
Probably the most significant word you have used is “embarrassed”. That’s because it sounds like your embarrassment is guiding your decision not to speak up and tell your friends what’s going on for you.
If you’re feeling in some way inferior to them in terms of what you earn, then that will be feeding the embarrassment. I’m sure your close friends would hate for you to feel uncomfortable and wouldn’t want you to feel stressed about your social life. If they are close friends, then they’ll understand when you say something.
Maybe you could talk to one or two of your friends. Start by telling them how much you love spending time with them, and you cherish the friendships you have with everyone in the group. Then explain that you love your food as much as they do, but you’re struggling with the cost of some of your nights out.
Suggest some great but cheaper dining options. Hopefully, when your friends react positively to this approach, your embarrassment will significantly reduce and so will your stress level.
Question 2: My elderly mother has always been quite independent, but she recently had a bad fall and now has significant mobility issues and needs assistance showering and with other things. As a result, she has had to move from her home into an aged-care facility, and is very unhappy about it.
I work and am not qualified or available to look after her full time – but I have a lot of guilt about this. I spend much of my time going back and forth to see her, and when I’m not there I worry about her being unhappy.
I’m feeling very overwhelmed and find this is consuming my life. What can I do?
You sound like a lovely, sensitive person who obviously doesn’t want their elderly mother to suffer in any way. It’s such a difficult stage of life for you and your mum. She’s lost some independence and you feel guilty that you can’t be her carer. Hopefully, the aged-care facility is doing a good job looking after her.
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If you see any problems with your mum’s care, be her advocate and speak up. But even if the care is of a good standard, that doesn’t mean that your mother wants to be there.
Give her plenty of empathy about her situation. Tell her that you know that she’s grieving her independence.
Ask her what would make life easier – perhaps her room could be made more personalised, or maybe there are more outings that could be organised. But one thing I don’t advise you to do is apologise. You haven’t done anything wrong.
Losing independence is a terribly hard part of ageing, but it’s not your fault. Keep being her loving child but try not to feel guilty about something that is beyond your control.
Got an issue for Jo to tackle? Send your question to stellar@news.com.au.