Can I be friends with my ex?
Is it possible for two people who were once in a relationship to become good friends after a break-up? Clinical psychologist Jo Lamble has some expert advice for this week’s Dear Stellar column.
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Is it possible for two people who were once in a relationship to become good friends after a break-up? Clinical psychologist Jo Lamble has some expert advice for this week’s Dear Stellar.
Dilemma 1: I broke up with my long-term partner a couple of years ago. We spent some time without any contact in the months afterward, but now we talk regularly. I find I still heavily depend on him for advice, or to console me if I’m unhappy about something.
He has another partner but has expressed he would leave her if I wanted to get back together. I’m not interested in having a romantic relationship with him. I know he doesn’t tell his partner that he talks to me.
A friend of mine told me I’m doing the wrong thing by keeping in contact with him and it’s made me wonder if I am?
It’s definitely possible for two people who were once in a relationship to become good friends after a break-up. But that’s only if both of you are happier being friends.
Plenty of couples break up because they’re not compatible as life partners, but they love spending time together as good mates. Your ex sounds like he still has feelings for you if he’s willing to leave his current partner for you. And that changes everything.
If you keep leaning on him for support and advice while he hopes for something more, then you may be stopping him getting on with his life with someone else (although it sounds like he should end his current relationship).
I suggest you be really open with him and tell him how much you value his friendship, but you don’t see a romantic future together. And for that reason, you are going to back off for a period of time to allow him to make some decisions about his relationship.
If down the track, he is happy to have a friendship that he can be open about with a current partner, then hopefully you will get your friend back.
Dilemma 2: My eight-year-old son has asked for a smartwatch for Christmas. Even though he is only in Year 2, some of his classmates have them and, as long as the students don’t get distracted by them during school time, his teacher allows it.
Since he would be limited to only being able to make calls or send texts to his parents, I don’t see the harm in letting him have one, but his dad worries he might be a bit young to have access to such technology. What do you think?
And so it begins... the combination of peer pressure and the desire for technology. While your son would only be able to make calls or send texts to you with this watch, it’s the bigger picture that counts. Adolescence is just around the corner and that’s when the need to have the very latest in everything explodes.
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Talk to any parent of a teenager, and they will tell you that the biggest challenge they face is getting their child off their devices. Now is the time to set things in place to make it easier to limit screen time down the track.
One of the hardest things for parents to do is to stay strong when it comes to doing what we believe is best for our children when other parents are making different choices.
And that’s what we need to tell our kids — that we are making these decisions for their benefit.
Give him an indication of when you think he would be old enough — starting high school is usually a good time for their first phone. And when he does get his first phone or watch, it’s worthwhile creating a contract with him about the rules of its usage.
Got an issue for Jo to tackle? Send your question to stellar@news.com.au.