SA woman says living away from her partner saved their relationship

Weeks after welcoming their daughter, Jayde’s partner moved out of their home leaving her to raise the newborn alone. It made their relationship stronger than ever. Here’s why.

The maiden months of Shane and Jayde’s first foray into parenthood look vastly different than most.

After welcoming baby Sophia in late 2021, the engaged couple, who first met on Tinder seven years ago, made the conscious decision to live separately for the beginning of their daughter’s life — five months in total.

While it may sound unorthodox, Jayde Hanna, 34, credits the ‘relationship sabbatical’ for fostering a bond stronger than ever.

“We used that time to reconnect and start appreciating the things the other was doing, and start learning new ways to communicate and putting in those practices that had built the relationship to begin with,” Ms Hanna told The Advertiser.

“After a few months of therapy, we made the decision to move back in and things have been amazing ever since,” she said of their life in Seaford Rise with toddler Sophia.

Jayde Hanna with her dog Lockie. Picture: Naomi Jellicoe

The Adelaide mum explained the decision didn’t come easy, and was only after a “highly emotionally charged situation” juggling house renovations and living with a blended family amid the chaos of new parenting.

“The things that we were doing previously to create connection within our relationship had started to fall away, and things weren’t issues were suddenly becoming issues again,” Ms Hanna explained.

“We had a huge argument and decided it would be best for him to leave. Shane moved out with his mum in Woodcroft with his daughter (my stepdaughter) and I stayed with our daughter.

“We were still talking, and he would come over to see our daughter, but we weren’t really doing too much together.”

She said the time apart – during which she parented Sophia solo – gave them each perspective.

“Initially, it felt easier,” she said of going it alone for the stint.

“Then I started realising how much I really missed him, and all the ways the load would be lighter if he was with me again.

“Once we had spent that time apart and started learning to communicate better, and working on things, we really started to realise the potential the relationship had and how much we both really wanted to be in it.”

Ms Hanna said the break made them realise how much they wanted to make things work. Picture: Naomi Jellicoe

Ms Hanna said paramount to their situation proving beneficial was not looking it as avoiding conflict, but working through it.

“When it comes to taking time apart from your relationship, you really need to consider the intention.

“People can use it as a way to avoid conflict rather than work through conflict, and I think that was the big difference for us.

“We didn’t want to avoid what was happening, we really wanted to lean in and fix the problems so that like the longevity of our relationship would be there.”

So what is a relationship sabbatical, exactly, and does it always work?

Sex therapist Christine Rafe told The Advertiser there is no science to an overall answer, given what might work for some may not work for others.

She said a “relationship sabbatical” can fit a range of definitions – but rather than breaking up and getting back together, as Hollywood power pair Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck notably did in 2021 – it involves a clear decision to part ways then reunite.

“It’s almost as unique as the agreements of a relationship to begin with,” Ms Rafe explained.

“The common assumption is that a relationship sabbatical is, ‘we’re basically on a break, and we can have sex with whoever we want’. That can definitely be part of it for some people, but it comes down to what you’re hoping to achieve from it.”

For some, it’s anything goes, but for others — like Jayde and Shane — it can be simply geographical.

“It could be they’re out there with a clear intention of trying to learn something or be open in a certain way other people.

“Or it could be, one person can go and do this course overseas, but we are remaining within the constructs of our sexually monogamous relationship.

“It might even be taking a break from communicating with each other, but you’re not stepping outside the relationship at all, just reassessing what your values are or tune back in with your social settings or family members, or even to study or pursue a hobby that maybe you feel like you might have let go of in the relationship.”

According to a recent report from sexual wellbeing company Lovehoney Group, relationship sabbaticals are on the rise in 2024.

Ms Rafe said the trend follows both self-care culture being brought to the forefront for Aussies, as well as a general shift away from traditional relationship archetypes.

“I think a lot of people would have historically described this as selfishness, actually prioritising ourselves.

“In relationships, especially if we have children, we will deprioritise ourselves.

“I think this trend is growing because, yes, there’s more openness to different frameworks of relationships and different agreements, but also that we are actually prioritising ourselves, and, and taking a step back and going, what is it that I want to my needs? And how do I meet those needs on my own? And in what way does my partner show up to meet those needs?”

Ms Rafe said in order to embark on a relationship sabbatical, clear boundaries and communication were vital, with couples therapy to navigate the break strongly recommended.

Therapist Christine Rafe runs sexual wellness business Good Vibes Clinic. Picture: Instagram

Adelaide psychotherapist Nicholas Purcell. Picture: Supplied

Meanwhile, Adelaide relationship counsellor and psychotherapist Nicholas Purcell suggested Aussies were some ways from adopting the trend entirely.

Of the benefits, he said it takes a particular type of couple to thrive.

“I would say the only couples that could potentially benefit from them are the ones who already have excellent communication and conflict skills,” Mr Purcell mused.

“This unfortunately is few couples in my clinical experience.”

He added: “My suspicion is that the sabbatical idea may appeal to those couples who have poor communication and conflict skills, and be seeking a break from elements of the relationship they cannot resolve or repair because of their lack of skills.

“Unfortunately without excellent communication skills it is very likely that the freedoms and fears discovered during sabbatical, would damage the relationship.

“This reminds me somewhat of how some couples believe opening their marriage is a way to solve some other issues but it ends up causing more problems.

“Ultimately it depends on what you want to risk.”

Originally published as SA woman says living away from her partner saved their relationship