‘I’ve been faking it in bed for three years’

A woman has confessed that she’s been faking it with her partner their entire relationship - and she’s definitly not the only one.

I’ve been faking orgasms for three years. Picture: iStock

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tells a woman she isn’t alone when it comes to missing out on orgasms.

Question: How do I tell my partner he’s never made me orgasm? We’ve been together for three years and I’ve been faking it the entire time. I’ve never orgasmed with a man so it’s nothing personal to him but I’m worried he will take it personally and feel like he’s been lied to during our entire relationship.

Answer: Difficulty reaching orgasm can feel embarrassing and uncomfortable to talk about – but it shouldn’t. Being unable to reach orgasm during partner sex is relatively common for women – even if they can reach orgasm by themselves. There are practical steps you can take to increase your chance of reaching orgasm during partner intercourse.

Struggling to reach orgasm is common

You’re not alone in struggling to reach orgasm during partner sex – despite what any male partner might have told you about their previous track record.

The statistics on women reaching orgasm – particularly during partnered sex – aren’t great.

Over-thinking and anxiety can contribute to a lack of orgasm during partner sex. Picture: iStock

Only about 65 per cent of heterosexual women report always reaching orgasm during partnered sex, with 10 per cent of sexually active women saying they’ve never had an orgasm at all. This is significantly lower than the 95 per cent of heterosexual men that report always having an orgasm during sex. These statistics are better for lesbian women, who report reaching orgasm around 86 per cent of the time.

This discrepancy in the frequency that heterosexual men and women reach orgasm has been termed ‘The Orgasm Gap’ – and there’s been a lot of research into it.

People of all genders report reaching orgasm faster and more often by themselves than when they’re with a partner.

This discrepancy in the frequency that heterosexual men and women reach orgasm has been termed ‘The Orgasm Gap’. Picture: iStock

Reasons women struggle to reach orgasm during sex

There are many reasons why women can struggle to reach orgasm during sex. The most common are:

• Not enough time spent in foreplay

• Not enough direct clitoral stimulation

• Difficulty asking for what they want

• Over-thinking and anxiety

Ways to increase your chance of reaching orgasm with a partner

There are steps you can take that will significantly help to increase your chance of reaching orgasm with a partner. And the great news is, they’re backed by science.

• Spend longer in foreplay

Women’s bodies need at least 20 minutes of foreplay to fully prepare for penetration sex. Spending more time in foreplay increases your chance of reaching orgasm and decreases the likelihood of experiencing pain during penetration.

• Include the ‘Golden Trio’ of moves in foreplay

Researchers recently reported three moves they dubbed the ‘Golden Trio’ which, when all are included in foreplay, increase your chance of reaching orgasm even further. They are deep kissing, mutual touching of each other’s genitals and oral sex.

• Include direct clitoral stimulation

Many women need direct clitoral stimulation in order to reach orgasm. Include this during partnered sex by using hands or a sex toy for added pleasure.

• Take the pressure off reaching orgasm

It’s perfectly okay to not reach orgasm during sex. Feeling pressure that you ‘have to’ or you’re letting your partner down if you don’t, can actually get in the way of you getting over the edge. Relax, take the pressure off and just focus on enjoying yourself.

• Learn to ask for what you want during sex

Asking for what you want during sex can feel awkward, but it doesn’t have to. Learning to communicate openly and honestly about sex is one of the most important skills you can learn to help you enjoy sex more.

Can you implement these things without talking about it? Possibly. But it’s going to be harder. Picture: iStock

Start with communication

This is one of those issues that can feel hard at first, but only becomes more difficult the longer you leave it.

Can you implement these things without talking about it? Possibly. But it’s going to be harder. Because there’s little incentive for your partner to change something that he thinks has been working fairly well.

Explain to your partner what’s been going on. If you can clearly explain to your partner that you were both embarrassed to tell him and worried about hurting his feelings, he’s more likely to be empathic about the situation.

Then ask him if he’s open to exploring some of the suggestions I’ve shared so you can both enjoy yourself more. I’ll be surprised if he says no.

Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist, Sexologist, Sex Therapist and Lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.

Originally published as ‘I’ve been faking it in bed for three years’