‘We were abstinent for five years but couldn’t do it on the wedding night’

“For four years of our marriage, we only had sex once or twice a year,” the Sydney mum reveals. “I felt like a failure as a wife.”

Josephine Agostino

6 min read

August 9, 2024 - 3:56PM

Aussie physio shares how they learn to treat pelvic floors by using each other

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After more than five years of dating, Alice and Daniel had the wedding of their dreams.

Everything went off without a hitch.

Well, all but one very important thing that happened after all the guests had gone that left the bride in tears: the couple’s very first time having sex.

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“We went back to the room,” Alice, from Sydney, tells Kidspot of her wedding night in 2017.

“We were both super excited and I had my nice wedding night lingerie on. All the lead up was fine, but when it came to the main event, it was so painful.

“I had no idea it would be like this. People said it would hurt the first time so I was expecting that, so I pushed through, but I ended up crying because it was so bad.

“It was not romantic at all.”

Alice and Daniel had waited until marriage, but soon found that sex was nearly impossible. Picture: Supplied

"We had the rest of our lives to work it out"

Having remained abstinent until marriage, Alice and Daniel were disappointed to say the least in their highly anticipated wedding night, but vowed that their honeymoon would be the cure-all they needed.

“At that point, I just thought it was a matter of us practising more and we didn’t let it get us down,” 30-year-old Alice says.

“We told each other that we would have the rest of our lives to work it out.”

While romance bloomed on their tropical getaway, the couple’s nightmare continued between the sheets.

“We tried a few more times and it was continuing to hurt.”

Alice was initially diagnosed with vaginismus, an involuntary tensing of the vagina. Picture: Supplied

"It was uncomfortable, awkward and messy to use"

After eight months, Alice’s pain hadn’t improved, so she consulted a GP who diagnosed her with vaginismus (involuntary tensing of the vagina).

Alice went ahead with the only suggested treatment, which was using a dilator to stretch the vaginal tissue.

“It made intercourse possible but it was not comfortable, let alone pleasurable,” she says.

“I didn’t use it as often as I needed to (every couple of days) because it was often uncomfortable, awkward and often messy to use.

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“If I didn’t do it for a week or two, I was back to square one in how painful sex would be.”

Because of that, for the first four years of their marriage, Alice and Daniel would have intercourse just “once or twice a year”.

“After we attempted it, I would be in tears because I was so upset about the situation we were in and at a loss about how to solve it.”

Thankfully for Alice, she got pregnant soon after trying despite her challenges having sex. Picture: Supplied

"It was a big weight off my shoulders"

While Alice says Daniel was always supportive and never wavered from loving her unconditionally, she admits she felt like she had “failed as a wife”.

“I’m lucky that he’s been so understanding and never put pressure on me, reassuring me that I was able to meet his needs in other ways, but I felt a tremendous amount of guilt because we had waited so long [to have sex] and now it wasn’t even that enjoyable for us.”

Much to the couple’s relief, soon after Alice came off birth control in 2021 in the hope of starting their family that year, they fell pregnant immediately without any fertility tracking.

“We were so worried we would have to try a lot and that would be so painful for me, but luckily, that didn’t happen, which we are so grateful for,” she says.

“We were over the moon for so many reasons. It was a big weight off my shoulders.”

Alice’s newly pregnant bliss, however, was interrupted in a way she never expected.

Unfortunately for Alice, she started having issues with incontinence shortly after giving birth. Picture: Supplied

"It was so embarrassing"

In her second trimester, she experienced her first bout of incontinence.

“We were at a car yard as we needed to upgrade to be ready for the new baby, and while I was there, I sneezed and suddenly felt wee go down my leg,” she remembers.

“It was so embarrassing. I just thought, ‘Thank goodness I have a long dress on and not pants’.

It was a pelvic floor physiotherapist Alice sought out for help with incontinence who led her along the correct path to find treatment for her excruciating intercourse pain by discovering she did not have vaginismus, but a hypertonic (too tight) pelvic floor.

“It was helpful to know what I had but there was also fear mongering from her, saying I would need a C-section and all sorts of other problems.”

With no relief from her leakage issues, Alice went on to have a vaginal birth with forceps and an episiotomy, which were unrelated to her condition but a result of her baby’s position.

Alice was forced to wear adult nappies to deal with her incontinence issues. Picture: Supplied

"I couldn't feel any sensation"

The new mum’s worst bout of incontinence came immediately after giving birth to her son, Felix.

“I had to be in adult nappies,” she recalls emotionally.

“If I stood up, I would wet myself completely and would have zero clue that I even needed to go.

“I couldn’t feel any sensation. I thought I had completely broken my pelvic floor and that would be my life now. No one told me what to expect.”

A postnatal appointment with a hospital-provided pelvic floor physio was meant to help Alice with her incontinence - but it also ended up being the catalyst for a dramatic change in her sex life.

“It was her treatment and teaching me how to relax my pelvic floor that allowed me to have intercourse without pain, on top of helping me manage my incontinence,” Alice explains.

Alice was soon re-diagnosed, this time with hypertonic pelvic floor, meaning her pelvic floor was too tight. Picture: Supplied

"I have to wear something every time I leave the house"

While she had to avoid exercise and lifting heavy things (including her now two-year-old son), Alice was grateful not to have to wear incontinence pads or underwear every single day - but that was until January this year when it all changed once again.

“We were at a digger park on the Gold Coast on holiday and I was holding my son and I completely wet myself,” she says with embarrassment.

“Ever since then, if I go out, I have to wear something to protect myself and at home, I have to rush to the bathroom immediately.”

Alice was unaware at the time that she was just a few weeks pregnant with her second child.

“We were trying for three months before that, and it wasn’t a painful experience, which was such a relief.”

While the baby has been growing well, Alice describes this pregnancy as “hell”.

“We have been sick nine times this year and the coughing and nose blowing are massive triggers for my leaking,” she says.

“I actually lost my mucus plug from coughing so much. It has been extremely challenging managing pregnancy, a toddler who is toilet training and the incontinence getting worse from being so unwell.”

“The mental load of managing incontinence is what people don’t understand. I have to wear something every time I leave the house and make sure I have back up and a change of underwear in my nappy bag.

“I’m dreading the postpartum (incontinence) but I’m hoping that once I’m out of the kids stage that life will get back to normal and I can do all the things I’ve missed doing.”

Thankfully for Alice, her new diagnosis has unlocked her sex life, and she now finds it enjoyable. Picture: Supplied

"We definitely enjoy it now"

Thankfully, Alice’s sex life is causing her far less angst - and finally, after seven years of marriage, is actually pleasurable.

“[Sex] still can’t be spontaneous because there are things we need to do to warm up beforehand and we need to do certain positions, but it’s not anything like how it was before.

“We definitely enjoy it now.”

In her journey with incontinence, Alice has been assisted by Stay Dry, an Australian mum-owned company providing continence products.