Justin Coulson: ‘When someone quits at work, they are replaced. But at home, you’re irreplaceable’
IT’S the ultimate Catch-22. Take the promotion at work giving you more money to spend on your family or take that promotion and miss out on time with your children. That’s the predicament facing one father. He asks Dr Justin Coulson for advice.
Parenting
Don't miss out on the headlines from Parenting. Followed categories will be added to My News.
IT’S the ultimate Catch-22. Take the promotion at work giving you more money to spend on your family or take that promotion and miss out on time with your children. That’s the predicament facing one father. He asks Dr Justin Coulson for advice.
Q I have two sons, aged 6 and 4. I’m the main breadwinner and have a chance for a promotion that would help the family financially but mean more time at work. I want the extra money and career development, but my wife and I are worried about the time I will lose with my sons.
A It’s a great, but challenging problem to have.
A promotion is positive on several levels. It indicates success, it offers the possibility of financial freedom. (We all want “better” for our children, even if we’ve had it pretty good ourselves.)
And there’s the chance to learn new skills, have more influence, create more impact, leave a bigger legacy at work, make a contribution, and more.
All of these considerations sit on one end of the scale.
On the other end it’s family; wife (or partner) and kids.
While more money may give our kids some more opportunities in the short term, in the long term, TIME is the single most important ingredient in our relationships — especially when it comes to dads and their children.
The research is compelling — kids need their dads.
The more a dad is present and involved in his children’s lives in a positive way, the better the outcomes for them. Fathers make unique and direct contributions to their children’s wellbeing, from better physical health to more prosperity.
Children with involved dads are smarter (they have higher IQs!) and more prosperous.
They also have a better sense of self-esteem, and grow up with more self-control, confidence and self-worth.
Additionally, it’s better for dad!
Dads who spend time with their kids are more likely to be satisfied with their lives, feel less psychological distress and have more empathy.
MORE FROM DR JUSTIN COULSON
WHY PARENTS SHOULDN’T GIVE THEIR KIDS ALCOHOL
HOW TECHNOLOGY IS DAMAGING YOUR CHILD’S BRAIN
They also have a greater sense of self, feel a greater general wellbeing and have more happiness in their relationships.
On the other hand, David Blankehorn states in Fatherless America, “Fatherlessness is the most harmful demographic trend of this generation.”
Australian experts confirm that children who grow up with absent fathers are more likely to be involved in crime, premature sexuality, teen pregnancy, physical and sexual abuse and alcohol and drug use and abuse.
They are also more likely to experience lowered educational outcomes, physical and mental health problems and ultimately, poverty.
Furthermore, fatherless children have an increased risk of serious illness — it can literally rewrite their genes.
Researchers from Princeton University found fatherless children had shortened telomeres in their chromosomes. This is strongly linked to premature ageing and cancer.
Raising Boys author Steve Biddulph said: “For fathers, this might be the most important sentence in this whole book: if you routinely work a 55- or 60-hour week, including commute, you just won’t cut it as a dad.
“Your sons will have problems in life, your daughters will have self-esteem issues, and it will be down to you …. Next time you’re offered a promotion involving longer hours and more nights away from home, seriously consider telling your boss, ‘Sorry, my kids come first.’ ”
Now to be clear: there are many kids raised without a dad who is present and they thrive. There are some dads who are better off being nowhere near their kids.
And there are tens of thousands of incredible single mums who more than compensate for an absent dad.
But ultimately, since you asked, you matter as a dad.
When someone quits at work, they are instantly replaced.
But at home, you’re irreplaceable.
We want to raise our children to be the best humans that they can be.
While money is important, we can only do this by giving our time to our children. So how do we do that?
First, be around.
By simply being there, we act as a secure base and a safe haven.
Second, be involved.
Researchers found that involvement in everyday activities, like eating dinner together or playing in the yard is more important than big outings or trips.
Third, stop, look and listen.
Our children need to know that they matter. We show them this when we pay attention.
Only you, as the parent, can find the right balance between work and home life. Getting it right can be challenging and confronting, but once we do we’ll be giving our children the best start in life.
DR JUSTIN’S TOP TIPS
1. BE THERE
Most of the time, our children just want to know we are close if they need us
2. BE INVOLVED
involvement in everyday activities is more important than big outings
3. PAY ATTENTION
Our children need to know that they matter. We show them this when we are attentive