I'm an ex-teacher: this is why my girls won't get phones for Christmas

"Mobile phones are the main source of cruel segregation between kids; it's a competition about whose parents can afford what," writes Aussie mum Shona.

Shona Hendley

3 min read

November 20, 2023 - 12:07PM

Parenting

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I was vaguely considering giving my tween daughter a phone at Christmas; I didn't expect to have my mind made up by a girl I didn't even know.

But as I read an article written by Summer, a 12-year-old girl, I could feel myself moving from the position of refusal to a state of absolute no-way-in-the-world.

While as a parent, and an ex-teacher, I am acutely aware of the many potential dangers and issues that mobile phones can bring with them, the perspective shared by a girl only one year older than my own daughter, showed me an entirely new perspective on the way mobile phones impact our kids.

And this one was even worse.

“I love going to school. Getting up each morning and getting ready for the day excites me and I can’t wait for what the day might bring. Sprint training with the girls at lunch, changing up seats in class, and practising our speeches, I love it all!” Summer begins her article.

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"But as I walk the short distance to school, my excitement soon turns to dread as I remember the teasing, the taunting and the hurtful whispers from the day before. And the day before that. And the day before that.

"The reason for this nastiness? Mobile phones – the main source of segregation between kids," Summer explains.

"They think they're above others"

Summer, who doesn’t have a mobile phone, says that at her school, kids have been gifted them as young as eight years of age and that when many kids become phone owners, their behaviour, communication, and even the way they treat others, changes.

“… what you might not realise is that when you give your child a phone at such an early age, they are getting the impression that they are above others. That they can treat those without, as less than. And that’s exactly how they make me feel on a daily basis.

"You see, your kids are using their phones as a sort of social currency. Those with the latest iPhone are at the top, and then it goes down based on the type of phone they have and then the access to a phone. Those kids without a phone are looked over, removed from conversations and not invited to participate in activities. Social media is viewed as a popular kids' activity – if you aren’t on it, you’re a loser.

"And trust me, I know, because this is what your kids are saying to me almost every single day…” Summer writes.

Along with being ostracised from conversations, activities, and even friend groups, Summer says the clique that is formed based upon mobile phone ownership also means that she misses out on a lot of moments that occur after hours, again, putting her on the outer.

Image: Supplied

"Can't they afford it?"

Another issue she raises links to money and the idea that not having a phone makes her poor, with the assumption from many other peers being that the only reason she wouldn’t have a phone is because her family couldn’t afford one.

“On my own birthday a few months ago, I was so excited to get to school to tell my friends about the snorkelling experience at Moreton Bay that mum and dad got me as a gift, but as I was telling my friends all about it, a boy from another class overheard and jumped in loudly saying ‘Gosh, didn’t your parents finally get you a phone? Can’t they afford it?’”

Reading all of these negative experiences, experiences that are based simply on treating another person differently because they don’t own a mobile phone (in primary school) and hearing the way behaviour is being shaped by an object (one that is often unnecessary), as a mum, it just feels me with dread.

I understand that many mobiles are given to kids as a means of safety if using public transport or walking home from school. I also know that many aren’t provided for this reason, but instead more as how Summer has referenced, as a means of social currency and fitting in.

While perhaps eventually inevitable, mobile phones have clearly impacted our kids in all the ways we hear about in research, like their impact on academic success and health, or from cyber safety incidents including scamming and grooming. But perhaps for me, what hits the hardest is hearing these widespread, consistent everyday interactions and experiences due to mobile phone ownership by kids that in primary school really isn’t inevitable, or (in many cases) required.

While Summer has faced these experiences, she maintains she is glad that she doesn’t have a phone. Why? Because she can focus on real-life connections and experiences and I’ve got to say, that as a parent, hearing that is exactly what I want for my children and the reason why there will be no mobile phone for Christmas at my house any time soon.