A man won't miss his Saturday golf to 'babysit' his stepdaughter

"My wife told me all along that her daughter doesn't need a second father figure, but now she's expecting me to be a free babysitter," he explained in the divisive post. 

A post on an advice forum recently ignited fiery debate after a man admitted that he wasn't going to give up his weekend hobby to babysit his stepdaughter. 

It all started when Jane, his wife of five years asked the OP to look after her nine-year-old daughter, Emily on an ongoing weekly basis. 

But the man explained that "from the beginning" of their relationship, Jane was adamant Emily didn't need another father figure in her life. 

"I was only supposed to be a trusted authority figure in case she ever needed anything. I didn’t mind and try my best to respect that boundary," he explained. 

Now, he feels like his wife is expecting him to be a "parent on demand" and only when Jane "needs a babysitter."

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"She told me I should put my stepdaughter over my sibling golf day"

"We have Emily for four days a week (M-T) while she's at her dad's Fri-Sun," the man explained in his post. 

Emily's dad just got re-married and now has two stepkids who are with him from Wednesday through to Saturday. 

"Emily and her step-siblings don't get on. They're always fighting and it's pretty toxic," the dad said. 

Because of this, Emily's dad asked Jane if they could make a change in their custody schedule to keep the children apart.

The OP continued, "It's not a big deal in and of itself because we don't live far from each other so picking and dropping is no issue and she can easily be dropped off to school no matter where she stays. The issue is my wife agreed to it without consulting me."

"Jane is currently doing a certification course for the next 12 months and they have classes on Saturdays from 9-5pm. She asked me if I can babysit Emily on Saturdays, but I can't because I play golf with my brother and sister on Saturday mornings from 8am-1pm.

"This has been our tradition from before Jane and Emily came into my life and I had told Jane from much before that this is important to me and my siblings."

Jane then asked if he could move it to another day but he explained, "That's not possible either because my siblings also have jobs and families of their own so Saturday was the best day for us. I told her she can hire a babysitter but she doesn't want to spend money when I can do it for free."

"I told her that wouldn't work for me. She then got mad and said golf is stupid and I should put my stepdaughter over my siblings. That pissed me off so I told her I'm not going to sacrifice my hobbies just so that she can have a free babysitter."

He also made sure to mention that he "doesn't have anything against" Emily and he would cancel golf if it was an occasional occurrence but just not every weekend.

"She called me a selfish a**hole and slept on the couch last night. So AITA?" he concluded. 

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"Why did she only loop you in after?"

Despite taking issue with the irritating use of the word 'babysit', most commenters actually sided with the man. 

"It sounds like this is something that should have been worked out more carefully as a family before agreeing to," said one of the top comments with 7.9K likes.

"Is it possible that the dad/stepmum change their kids’ schedule as well? That way they have her when Jane is busy with certification courses."

Another revealed, "I was ready to read this and read you for filth, but this is truly an AH move from your wife. I think it’s totally fair that she asks you to help out, but agreeing to it without talking to you and assuming you’d consistently do this is wild!

"Why did she agree and then work to loop you in after?! It’s also interesting that now that your wife needs your help, Emily is your ‘stepdaughter’ where it seems like there was a clear boundary that you aren’t a father figure.

"If your wife wants to revisit what your role is to Emily, totally cool, but it shouldn’t be because she needs a babysitter."

A third agreed with that saying, "Your wife can't say her daughter doesn't need you as a stepfather, but then expect you to step up as a stepfather every single Saturday when she needs you. 

"She can hire a babysitter. Dad and stepmum also need to step it up and work on the relationship between the new stepsiblings and get that under control because there are going to be times they are all together in the same house, that’s just life."

"Dude, I don’t even make weekend plans for my husband and me with friends without checking with him first, because that’s just rude. Your wife volunteered you to take care of her child, every Saturday for the next 12 months without consulting you, knowing you have a standing activity with your siblings on Saturdays. That is just beyond f*cked up," expressed a different user. 

"You can't just treat the child like a chore"

"NTA but I don’t get how people expect to date someone with a child and just be totally removed… It’s callous thinking. I get not being the primary go-to person but in all these stories it’s so dumb to not expect to fill some parental duties when dating someone with a child," someone else pointed out.

"That child is a central part of the person you are dating you can’t just compartmentalise that or treat the child like a chore the bio parent is solely responsible for.

"I just feel like if you choose to date someone with kids at some point you will get stuck doing some childcare duties. And it shouldn’t be such a big deal that you do."

Then the OP responded to that, saying, "I get what you’re saying but my wife was the one who wanted things to be this way. I was prepared to be a parental figure but my wife explicitly told me on more than one occasion that I was not supposed to play that role.

"Whenever I tried to say or do something that I felt was best for Emily, Jane would tell me it was not my responsibility and to not get involved. If she wants me to be a parent now then she has to want me to be a parent all the time. I’m not a parent on demand who can just turn a switch. I don’t think it’s fair to either Emily or me."

Originally published as A man won't miss his Saturday golf to 'babysit' his stepdaughter