Mums’ ultimate rulebook for when you’re sick: Buttle

All mums have a playbook they work through when someone near them gets sick. Here are some of my favourite mum moves for when you’re under the weather, writes Mel Buttle.

Those tissues will need to be picked up, please, they’re full of germs, and open a window, you want fresh air to flow through, otherwise you’re just breathing in your own germs all over again.

Sound familiar? Then you might’ve come down with something in proximity to a mum.

It doesn’t even have to be your mum either, all mums have a playbook they work through when someone near them is crook.

I’m not sure when or how they get it, but it’s filled with some fabulously stock standard mum moves that I’m sure you’ve seen before, or have even found yourself pulling out.

Mums know when you’re sick because you weren’t yourself last night.

Here’s some of my favourite top mum moves for when you’re a little under the weather.

First of all, mums know when you’re sick, because your eyes weren’t right yesterday so she’s not at all surprised you’ve woken up like this.

She knew you weren’t yourself last night when you didn’t want to watch Celebrity MasterChef with her. Of course she didn’t say anything at the time, though, that’s not how it works.

The other side of this coin is that mums also can tell when you’re getting better.

How? Because the colour is coming back into your face, of course.

These assessments are done by staring closely at your face holding her breath so she doesn’t catch whatever bug you’ve got. It’s always a bug. Mums know when a bug is going around because their friend Colleen’s daughter had it last week.

According to the mum manual of dealing with any ailments, drinking water is paramount. It flushes out whatever it is that’s wrong with you. Headache? Drink water? Cold? Drink water. If a mum brings you a glass you must drink the whole thing too. As any mum worth her salt will tell you, keeping your fluids up is absolutely essential to your recovery.

Whatever is wrong, fluids are the answer according to mums.

Mums also cannot physically restrain themselves from saying, “down the hatch” when they hand you some tablets to take with a glass of water. It’s mum law, and it’s not changing anytime soon.

Speaking of tablets, mums will insist you take them on the dot of when they’re due again to really hit this thing on the head.

Mums love to tell you that you can take both Panadol and Nurofen together, they know this because their friend Carmel is a nurse and she does it.

On the other hand, Aspirin gets into your bloodstream quicker than the above drugs, according to any mum.

Unsure of the science here, but I don’t argue, I just get it down the hatch as I’m told, and right on the dot too.

Irrespective of your illness you will be issued only very plain food; mums love to stand at the door of your room and offer you the following items, “toast, Rice Bubbles, a crumpet?” before bringing you a piece of toast with a whisper of Vegemite across it, regardless of your answer. This is so you’ve got something in your tummy to take your next lot of meds.

Toast is a cure-all; no butter though, that would flare you up again, apparently. This anti dairy stance will eventually be lifted once you’ve got some colour back in your face, or you do something that mum thinks means you’re feeling like yourself again. Such as snapping about having to drink flat lemonade.

Mums are full of helpful advice.

You’re healed when mum cuts off her multiple daily visits to check on you and her room service ends.

If you’re being told to come out to the kitchen to collect your toast, guess what? You’re better now.

Originally published as Mums’ ultimate rulebook for when you’re sick: Buttle