Micro-cheating might not be so bad for your relationship after all

Call it out or get caught out

Is micro-cheating a red flag or an opportunity for greater transparency and respect? Image: Unsplash

We all think that micro-cheating is a major red flag, but what if it can benefit your relationship? Clinical Psychologists Shahn and Helen Baker flip the script on infidelity in a recent Healthy-ish podcast episode, advising how to confront micro-cheating head-on.

While cheating may be considered a clear violation of trust and a major cause of relationship breakdowns, the lines can become blurred when it comes to smaller, seemingly harmless acts of boundary side-stepping, known as micro-cheating.

Micro-cheating can include actions such as liking an ex's Instagram post, keeping an old Tinder profile, or engaging in flirtatious Slack chats with a colleague. While these actions may not necessarily constitute cheating, they can be considered a form of betrayal, particularly if one partner knows they could get in trouble for it and fails to confess.

However, rather than viewing micro-cheating as a negative, some experts suggest that it can actually be an opportunity for growth and self-reflection in a relationship.

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In a recent Healthy-Ish podcast episode, Shahn and Helen Baker, married clinical psychologists and couples therapists, spoke with host Felicity Harley about how to flip the script on micro-cheating. The pair believe that the key to making micro-cheating a positive experience is through transparency and open communication. If a partner is engaging in behaviour that could be construed as a breach of trust, it's essential to discuss it openly and honestly.

This can help excavate any underlying issues in the relationship, including boundaries, self-expression, and emotional needs. While flirting, for example, can be tricky to navigate, it can present an opportunity to examine feelings and set appropriate boundaries.

As Helen puts it, "You shouldn't necessarily feel guilty about flirting, but the guilt is there, indicating, 'Ooh, did I step over the line?'" Therefore you can reframe the guilt associated with micro-cheating as an opportunity to check in with yourself and your partner.

Reframing the guilt associated with micro-cheating can be an opportunity to check in with oneself. Image: iStock

However, the opportunity relies on transparency and processing emotions, as well as recognising any micro-cheating patterns. Shahn adds, "Maybe if you've flirted a bit with a waiter you'll never see, maybe that's okay, but if it's repeated flirting with a work colleague, it is walking down a dangerous pathway."

In navigating micro-cheating on social media and digital platforms, transparency remains key. As long as both partners are open and honest about their actions, there is no need to worry. However, if a partner is being secretive, for example, putting their phone face down or deleting messages on Instagram, it can be cause for concern. Shahn suggests that avoiding behaviour can lead to more micro-cheating and potentially even a gateway to full-blown infidelity.

If an individual suspects that micro-cheating is occurring in their relationship, it's important to call it out as soon as possible. Shahn emphasises the importance of discussing any behaviour that could be considered a breach of trust, even if one partner feels like they're doing nothing wrong. This allows for open communication and prevents the behaviour from escalating into something more significant.

Relationships can survive micro-cheating as long as the response is swift and transparent. Image: iStock.

If a partner is caught micro-cheating, it's also important to respond appropriately. Helen notes that while it's increasingly common to have profiles on dating apps or stay in contact with an ex, relationships can survive an episode of micro-cheating as long as the response is transparent and empathetic.

The first step is to come clean about the behaviour and tolerate one's partner's emotions. Validating how the transgression makes one's partner feel and allowing them space to process their emotions is crucial. Committing to being transparent going forward is also essential to rebuilding trust.

While micro-cheating may not be as damaging as total infidelity, it can still erode trust and intimacy in a relationship. However, if approached in a mindful and respectful way, it can also be an opportunity for growth and self-reflection. Communication, honesty, and empathy are always key to navigating the complex terrain. 

You can listen to the full interview on Healthy-ish, out now.

Originally published as Micro-cheating might not be so bad for your relationship after all