Author Lotte Bowser shares 5 life-changing lessons about grief

Life after loss

Lotte Bowser's world was shattered after losing her fiancé, Ben, in 2020. Ahead of releasing her new memoir, Bittersweet: A True Story of Love and Loss, she speaks to Body+Soul about her biggest takeaways from living through unimaginable loss.

It’s a book Lotte Bowser wishes she never had to write. But for the London-born author and grief activist, writing became her therapy – a way to process the heartbreak and horror of the past few years.

Lotte and Ben were a typical young couple, madly in love and living their lives in London, when the unthinkable happened; Ben was diagnosed with stage-four sarcoma, a rare soft tissue cancer. 

In an instant, their world was detonated, and Lotte became Ben’s primary caregiver. In November 2020, Lotte’s beloved fiancé, Ben, died at just 36 years old from cancer and complications related to COVID-19.

“It’s very bittersweet because the book wouldn’t exist if Ben hadn’t died,” Lotte tells Body+Soul ahead of the release of Bittersweet: A True Story of Love and Loss, out on October 1. The memoir captures their profoundly moving love story and Lotte’s journey of rebuilding her life from scratch after becoming a widow at just 30. 

It’s a story about death, yes, but also about intentionally reaching for the glimmers in life. Of making lemonade out of lemons, as Lotte puts it. Of putting one foot in front of the other when all you want to do is stay in bed forever. 

Between the pages, you’ll find joy, humour and hope. Lotte is a fresh young voice in the grief space, and her book is a must-read for anyone looking for a crack of light in their darkest hours after losing a loved one. 

Here, Lotte chats with Body+Soul about her memoir and the biggest lessons she’s learned from living with grief.

Bowser and her partner Ben. Image: Supplied

#1. It takes a village to navigate loss

After Ben's death, the UK went into strict COVID lockdowns, and Lotte moved from their London apartment to her mother’s home in the Cotswolds in South West England, a place she calls her “grief cocoon.”

“Something as overwhelming and unparalleled as losing a loved one is too heavy to carry alone. They say it takes a village to raise a child, and I genuinely believe it takes a village to navigate loss,” she explains, reflecting on the support she received from her family and friends.

Lotte's existence was stripped down to the absolute basics, and she simply focused on surviving each moment with her incredibly supportive mother and stepfather by her side.

Also in Lotte’s “village” were her Aussie “widow sisters” – Ellidy Pullin, who lost her partner Alex “Chumpy” Pullin in a drowning accident in 2020, and Georgie Copeland, whose fiancé Lachie Proctor also passed away that same year. Though separated by oceans, the women formed a powerful bond forged in the shared fires of widowhood.

“We started messaging each other, and the time zones helped. When it was their night, and they were struggling to sleep, it was my day so I could talk to them. They've been integral to my recovery,” she shares.

“It’s been amazing to have them in my life, and I wouldn’t trade those friendships for anything.”

Bowser has been able to find moments of find joy, humour and hope throughout her grief journey. Image: Supplied

#2. Look for the glimmers and ‘one beautiful thing a day’

Another key to Lotte’s survival was allowing herself to notice the small glimmers of beauty in the world. In Bittersweet, she talks about enjoying “one beautiful thing a day” – whether it’s a stunning sunset or the sound of her nephew’s laughter. She says this mindset was a very intentional part of her healing process.

“The pain of Ben's death was so overwhelming that I became desperate to feel something other than that relentless sorrow. Early on, I made a point of seeking out those little glimmers,” she notes.

“The fact that I was alive and he wasn’t... it was like, ‘Oh my God!’ I had taken so many things for granted my entire life. It sounds cliché –of course, we all agree a sunset is beautiful – but now it just hits differently.”

Lotte describes the profound realisation that living her life for Ben was a privilege and that experiencing joy wouldn’t diminish her grief. “It can exist alongside my sadness. I can honour my pain while still seeking out those little glimmers.”

#3. You will gravitate towards people with ‘resilience and gumption’

Witnessing the death of someone you love is the harshest kind of reality check. Overnight, you're thrown into a crash course on what matters in life, and this influences everything, especially the types of people you want to surround yourself with.

"Your whole perspective shifts after going through something like this. It's hard to relate to people when you hear about their challenges," Lotte admits. "I often think, 'Is anyone dying? Has anyone been diagnosed with a life-threatening illness?'"

She continues, "We're alive, and that is a fucking gift. So many people who've never faced death don't appreciate that."

These days, Lotte gravitates towards people "with a story to tell" – people who don't sweat the small stuff and seize each day for the gift that it is. 

“They've seen some shit in their lives, come out the other side and have a sense of resilience and gumption. I seek out go-getters, not victims. People who grab life by the balls and who are going places,” she says with a smile.

Bowser's new book, Bittersweet.

#4. Love is not finite

In her book, Lotte discusses the challenges of dating as a young widow, revealing that navigating romance felt like a minefield after she lost her fiancé.

Despite her heartbreak – and perhaps because of it – Lotte still longed for physical connection, a completely natural response for someone in the depths of grief.

“I was actually speaking to one the UK's leading psychotherapists the other day, and she has helped thousands of people who suffered bereavement over her decades-career. She was saying that it's very normal for people, even parents who've lost a child, to want to reach for intimacy and sex. You need to ground yourself back into your body, regulate your nervous system, and receive pleasure,” Lotte explains. 

“Sex is such a contrast to death. It's a life-giving force. And you crave that life force and want to feel connected to your body again.”

Lotte has found love with a photographer she met in Lisbon, and the pair share a beautiful life together. But as Lotte reveals, it hasn’t come without its “bumps, U-turns and even a break-up.” 

“It's been one of the hardest things to navigate since Ben died. I just couldn't assimilate one partner and a new partner. What I've learned is that our capacity to love is infinite. I don't love one best friend any more than I love another. My mum doesn't love one of my siblings more than the others. There's space for both,” she reflects. 

“It won't be the same. It's different, but different isn’t bad,” she says of her relationship.

Grief is not a linear experience for anyone. Image: iStock

#5. No feeling is final

Four years after Ben’s death, Lotte is living a life rich in love, adventure and joy – something she could never have imagined during the raw days of her grief. Indeed, grief often brings an unexpected companion with it: fearlessness. 

In the months following Ben’s passing, Lotte embraced this newfound attitude and made some radical changes to her life. The biggest? She moved to Lisbon, Portugal, starting a new chapter in a city with no ties to her past – a completely blank slate. 

“I feel like my life is actually so much better in many ways than it was before,” she admits. 

Lotte’s bold new outlook also comes with a guiding mantra: “Making lemonade out of the lemons.” Having left her career as a yoga teacher, she now writes, hosts a podcast, and uses her growing platform to build a community for others navigating grief. “I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. My purpose is to help people in grief,” she beams. 

When I ask Lotte what she would tell her past self in those impossibly painful early days after Ben’s death, she pauses and says, “I would tell her that she is capable of surviving this, even though she feels like she can't. And I would also tell her that no feeling is final. Life will be beautiful again, and you will feel happy, even if you can’t see it now.”

Bittersweet will be available worldwide on October 1

Originally published as Author Lotte Bowser shares 5 life-changing lessons about grief