Let’s talk about death, baby: challenging one of the last taboo topics

From planning our own funerals, to joining ‘Death Cafes’, is it time to get comfortable with our own mortality?

Adrian Barrett is a healthy 40 year-old, but scroll through his phone and you’ll find a playlist titled “Adrian’s funeral – if required”.

As a fourth-generation funeral director and national president of the Australian Funeral Directors Association, Barrett literally stares death in the face almost daily, and although he has no intention of joining his clients any time soon, he believes there’s nothing morbid about being prepared.

“I love my music, and I hate the thought of someone picking songs for my funeral that I don’t like,” he says.

Adrian Barrett, national president of the Australian Funeral Directors Association, encourages people of all ages to consider their funeral plans. His own first step was compiling a playlist.

Whether it’s making a playlist, informing loved-ones about your preferred ecologically-friendly burial or setting money aside for funeral expenses, Barrett says there’s a groundswell movement towards people being open to the idea of planning their own funeral. “The topic has become less taboo over the last 10-15 years,” he says, adding that restrictions on funerals during Covid times accelerated the trend.

“No one has ever been told that you can’t have a proper funeral before – it made people realise how important it is as a ritual, and that may be driving a bit of the conversation”.

Final celebration

As a pre-planning consultant for Guardian Plan, Carrie Fortunaso says the past two years have been busier than ever.

“There was a lot of uncertainty around, so people were contacting us to make plans in case they got sick, and not wanting to put the pressure on their kids when things were already hard,” she says.

More broadly, Fortunaso says a shift in funerals over the past decade or so, from sombre, tradition-bound events, into creative celebrations of life, has prompted greater enthusiasm for funeral planning.

Contemporary funerals have transformed from sombre, tradition-bound occasions, into creative celebrations of life.

“People will ring and say ‘I just went to a beautiful funeral – I want one like that too’,” she says. “It has become a bit like party planning, people will have a laugh and get excited about it – sometimes we have to pull up a bit and remind them that it’s not going to happen for a long time. Sometimes, they’ll appreciate how their own parents had their funerals planned, so will use some of their inheritance to plan their own.”

Tackling taboo

Despite a greater openness towards the idea, there’s still quite a way to go, with a recent Australian Funeral Directors Association survey finding that, of the 161,000- plus funerals conducted in Australia each year, only about 15 per cent are pre-planned.

For some people, getting to the point of being comfortable about planning their own funeral starts with a conversation. Psychotherapist April Lewis hosts Sydney-based Death Cafe events – part of a global not-for-profit movement that brings people together to drink tea, eat cake and talk about death. The small group get-togethers attract people from all walks of life, from teenagers to seniors, those dealing with grief or a terminal prognosis, and others who are simply curious and grappling with the concept of their own mortality.

“There still are, and always will be, people who are scared of dying, and try to shut down conversations about death,” Lewis says.

Photo from a Sydney Death Cafe, where people get together to drink tea, eat cake and talk openly about death.

In the same spirit as the annual Dying to Know Day, held on August 8, Death Cafe meet-ups encourage people to do away with the stigma of discussing death and bereavement. “If you’re scared of death, you’re scared of living – worried about what might happen at any time,” Lewis says. “If you don’t talk about it, it’s left in the shadows, and, like a bogeyman, becomes more scary until you shine a light on it.”

The aftermath

From a funeral planning point-of-view, avoiding the inevitable can lead to extra confusion, stress and financial pressure at a time of grief, adds Fortunaso. “Some people think, ‘I won’t be here, who cares’, but at the end of the day, these conversations help the people who will be left behind,” she says.

“They’ll still have the grief, but it’s that much easier. When you see something personalised at a funeral, something that really reflects (the deceased), it starts conversations and lightens the room.”

Scottish Pipe Band – one of many personalised funeral choices.

Five steps to a smooth send-off

1: Communicate your plans

If you’ve written funeral wishes into your Will, be aware that these aren’t necessarily read until after a funeral has taken place. Even if loved-ones aren’t open to having a frank discussion about your final plans, Fortunaso suggests writing them down, and letting your family know where to find all the relevant information. Personal documents, such as birth and marriage certificates and Centrelink information, also need to be accessible.

2: Make it you

Bereaved loved-ones aren’t in the best position to be making funeral decisions, says Fortunaso: “When grief takes over you don’t always think logically, and they may choose really expensive things that you never would have chosen or wanted”. This can be particularly challenging in blended families with multiple decision makers. Making your own decisions, in advance, can be far simpler and more personalised.

3: Budget for it

A funeral can cost around $8000 to $10,000 on average, says Barrett – a significant amount to muster at short notice. Pre-paying at your chosen funeral home, or creating a bond with a Friendly Society, are some of the ways to prepare. If you’re considering funeral insurance, he warns to choose carefully, as the product can cost significantly more over time than it pays out.

4: Think outside the box

Environmental awareness has led to a range of planet-friendly burial options. Among them are biodegradable mushroom suits, embedded with spores to aid decomposition and filter toxins, wicker or cardboard coffins, and natural burial grounds, where unmarked plots in bushland settings are mapped via GPS.

5: Consider the venue

Funerals needn’t be restricted to cemeteries and places of worship. Just like weddings, services can be held in picturesque parklands, by the beach, in restaurants and clubs, on sporting grounds, or in your own backyard. Think about locations that are meaningful to you.

Originally published as Let’s talk about death, baby: challenging one of the last taboo topics