Is it okay to argue in the early stages of a relationship?

Popular culture says no, but the experts disagree.

Always find yourself back in square one? Image: Gigli

Heated exchanges, cold stares and frosty stand-offs might be things you’d expect to see in a seasoned relationship, but occasionally it appears in the early days of courtship too. So, does this mean your relationship is doomed? We investigate. 

While it might look like a gigantic red flag, is arguing during the honeymoon period actually a cause for concern? 

According to relationship coach Megan Luscombe, far from being a cause for concern, arguing in the early stages can actually be a great opportunity to strengthen a relationship if it’s managed in the right way and respect is shown towards each other. 

“Sometimes when you go into a relationship you can think communication skills will just happen by default, but it doesn’t really work like that,” she says. 

Like what you see? Sign up to our bodyandsoul.com.au newsletter for more stories like this.

“When you move to a new job, you get a job description and have yearly reviews to find out how you’re doing and if any of your responsibilities change, right? In relationships, you’re learning everything in reverse. It’s almost like, ‘we're going to go into this completely blind and won’t know what’s going to happen until it happens.’”

So what differentiates a fight from an argument and are both as bad as each other? 

When it comes to arguments, Luscombe says they can be classified as a couple working together to tackle a specific issue, whereas a fight is traditionally one person against the other and they tend to veer into the personal. 

“A fight is where you're opponents going against each other. You’re not actually talking about the topic, you're talking about something that happened two years ago. When you argue, it should sit on the level of debate. Your voice is stern and firm but it’s not condescending or attacking, it’s just serious. But in fight mode, you just go off.”  

The other thing to remember about arguing is that despite the potential discomfort that can come from having difficult conversations, it’s actually in these moments that you can better understand a partner and figure out if you’re on the same page. 

“You only ever find a boundary when an area of tension comes up,” Luscombe says, explaining, “An argument is really an opportunity to see where a boundary needs to be set or to see where communication needs to change or where new standards need to be set for the longevity and health of the relationship.”  

Another illusion that’s been fed to us over the years thanks to popular culture is that to be a good couple that will work, you need to agree on just about everything. This is another falsehood Luscombe says more couples need to be comfortable with, particularly when it comes to notoriously tense issues like finances, family and careers.  

“It’s not always about agreeing, it’s about being able to see somebody else’s perspective and see where they’re coming from. It’s when there are things that are fundamentally against your value system that things can get tricky.”  

Having worked with couples for 12 years, Luscombe says the number of people seeking help in the early stages of a relationship is beginning to grow and become more commonplace, a move she says shows “huge emotional maturity”.

In working with a third-party expert to learn better communication skills and flesh out expectations, develop happy mediums and ensure conversations remain respectful, she says the chances of staying together and going the distance are much greater. 

“Couples counselling early is probably one of the best tools for longevity. The illusion is that love is enough and everything will work out. But the reality is it’s better for us to find things that will be sticking points earlier than 10 years down the track.”

The fear of telling a still-relatively new partner that you want to go to counselling, though, can be daunting. It can be hard to explain that while you’re pretty sure there’s something special there, there’s also work that still needs to be done. 

Luscombe says she’s often approached by people asking that very question and recommends pitching it to your partner in a way that avoids placing guilt or responsibility for the issues on the other person. 

“A lot of people go to their partners and say, ‘We need counselling’, which can elicit a really negative response. But if we talk about it in a way of, ‘I’m feeling this and I would really like help and I’d like for you to be a part of that with me’ it creates such a different response,” she says, adding that where it has been ‘pitched’ without blame, partners are more open to taking part and arrive with a team mindset. 

“Longevity is all about being able to take feedback, to grow together, to overcome obstacles together and the sooner a couple can do that the better.” 

Originally published as Is it okay to argue in the early stages of a relationship?