Distracted during sex? Here's how to stop your mind from wandering

Your to-do list can wait

If you find it hard to stay present when you're between the sheets, sex and relationships expert Georgia Grace has some actionable advice.

We’ve all been there. The touch is hitting the spot, you’re feeling like you’re about to orgasm, and then that little thought creeps in.

How do I smell? Why am I taking so long? Do they even like this? I forgot to take the bins out?! And then out of nowhere, all sensation leaves, arousal disappears and thoughts are in overdrive.

While this can feel like a solo journey, you don’t have to struggle through distraction on your own. So often my clients will tell me that they want to be more present - often there’s a lot you and your partner can do together to ensure everyone is as relaxed and present as possible.

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Talk about it outside of sex

When first bringing up a conversation about a sexual concern, more often than not I’d recommend starting it outside of a sexual context, so not directly before, during or after you have sex. The main reason for this is that it can feel really vulnerable to do so, and you may not be in the ideal state to have a useful convo.

Most people will benefit from unpacking the idea of ‘receiving’. A lot of people really struggle with it. You’re not alone if the idea of receiving makes you feel uneasy. With all the attention on your pleasure and genitals, a sufficient amount of head noise can take us out of our bodies and the moment, limiting our pleasure and ability to feel anything - not to mention a spike in anxiety.

For my clients who struggle with this, I’ll often ask them What is getting in the way of you being comfortable receiving? Some common themes include self-consciousness, body confidence, performance anxiety, not feeling deserving of pleasure, a history of trauma, childbirth or a combination of the aforementioned.

Most people will benefit from unpacking the idea of ‘receiving’. Image: Pexels

If it’s affecting you and your relationship, you may find it helpful to speak to a trusted health professional or loved one about any of these concerns.

Voicing your own concerns to a partner, acknowledging shame, anxiety or anything else getting in the way of your pleasure can help create a context for them to also feel more comfortable, reassured and validated. You could try any of the following:

• “I struggle to stay present because I’m worried you’re uncomfortable - will you tell me if you ever need to pause?”

• “I find it really edgy/vulnerable when you go down on me - because I worry about ‘x’. Can we work on this together?”

• “It’ll really help me stay present/receive if you tell me what you like about giving”

Tell your partner what you love about them, often

For most people, knowing their partner enjoys touching their body and giving them pleasure is an important precursor to release into receiving.

With clear, affirmative language, remind your partner what you love about touching, kissing or going down on them. Remind them that you’ve got the time, space and energy to give and that if you need a break you’ll tell them.

It's worth having a conversation with your partner to express your concerns. Image: Pexels

Affirmative language that celebrates their body can go a long way, try something like:

• “I love the way you taste”

• “It turns me on when I’m eating you out/going down on you/(insert your fave thing here)”

• “I’ll tell you if I need to pause or take a break”

• “You feel so good like that”

• “There’s no rush – I’ve got all day/night for this”

• “You don’t have to worry about me - I’ll let you know if I need to pause"

• “How can we make this feel even better for you?”

Remove all pressure

Work together to remove any sense of time or climax pressure. Many will be familiar with feeling like we need to perform our pleasure for others – I often hear “I don't want to make them feel like they’re not doing a good job”.

And while a quick orgasm can be fun – placing a time limit on how fast you should/shouldn’t get there will make sex more of a performance than an experience.

Most people love it when their partner tells them what they want. A lot of the time we’re just guessing what feels good for them, or inferring from the way they’re moving, moaning or breathing.

If you can communicate what you’re into – the speed, rhythm, pace or type of touch you like – it can be a helpful mirror, encouraging your partner to share equally while creating an open, playful and non-judgemental space to explore.

Most people love it when their partner tells them what they want. Image: Getty

Practice is essential

It’s not going to change overnight - it’s likely you’ll need to practise often. I find it’s useful for most people to practise receiving outside of a sexual context with something a little less vulnerable than a head between your legs like receiving a backrub or massage, touch or a kiss on an erogenous zone.

A great tool for managing your mind. When we focus on sensation, we pull our attention from our heads back into our bodies. What’s feeling really good? How does your partner’s tongue/fingers/body feel against yours? How could it feel even better?

Pro tip: practice grounding and mindfulness techniques outside of sex to manage stress or anxiety – you may like to plant your feet on the ground and feel connected to the earth below, count five things in the room that you can see, try a regular guided meditation or focus on one sense in particular (like taste, if you’re eating something delicious).

And finally, trust your partner

This goes for everyone. If someone says they like giving, or they love a certain sexual act - we need to learn to trust them. Many people love giving pleasure to their partner. It can turn them on but it can also just feel really good knowing your partner feels good. So if someone says they want to do something, trust them.

Originally published as Distracted during sex? Here's how to stop your mind from wandering