Sober dating is trending, but how do you have sober sex?

No hangover, just chemistry

How do you navigate sober sex? Image: Pexels

Sobriety turns up the emotional dial – great for sex, not great for the nerves. Here's how to overcome them. 

In a time when our digital lives are more curated than a museum exhibit, real-time authenticity is a surprising change. Enter sober dating, a new trend that is shaking up the dating world.

It's our collective swipe right for genuine connections to cut through the facade of our online lives. As a dating coach, I’m constantly asked about sober dating, and it’s not a niche movement.

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According to Tinder’s Future of Dating 2023 Report, a whopping 88 per cent of users are interested in sober dates, with 72 per cent signposting a preference for less drinks in their profile, often using if-you-know-you-know (IYKYK) emojis. Tinder Australia representative Kirsty Dunn says it's a nod to singles wanting to connect more authentically “without the haze of alcohol affecting their experiences.”

But as we get better at navigating at least one awkward (but inevitable) silence on the first date without a drink in hand, a new question arises: what about taking that same connection to the bedroom sober?

If the prospect of sex without the alcohol-induced safety net makes you nervous, you’re not alone. But why is that, and how can we enjoy first-time sober sex without the anxiety but with all the other emotions?

Why do we mix sex and booze? Image: Pexels

Why do we mix sex and booze?

The reality is sex can be awkward, at least some of the time. And especially the first time. It certainly doesn't look like sex in movies or porn. Real sex is clunky, it's human, it's vulnerable. Emotions will arise when you are sober and preparing to have sex, as well as during it.

Sex exposes our deepest vulnerabilities. We might be concerned with how we look, how we perform, when and how well it ends. Unsurprisingly, these concerns keep us from enjoying sex or even initiating it. Meanwhile, alcohol turns the volume down on all of these fears. There's a reason why booze is called "liquid courage."

It's common to believe that after one, or a few drinks, you can tap into a more bold, relaxed and sexual version of yourself that would be difficult to access sober. However, using alcohol as a crutch too frequently before sex can have the opposite effect- leaving you feeling out of touch with yourself and your partner, especially when you sober up

Physically out of touch because you may be unaware of what your body needs when alcohol numbs sensation. And mentally out of touch too! You may recall having hot, consensual sex, but none of the details. Or you may start to conflate having good sex with drinking, building a rigid belief system that results in less intimacy and initiation down the line.

So, what are the benefits of sober sex? Image: Pexels

So, what are the benefits of sober sex?

Being sober isn’t about skipping the physical and emotional hangovers; it’s about being totally in the game, mind and body. You and your partner can discover a whole new level of connection – raw, real, and ridiculously right.

It means you can communicate fully and intelligibly, ensuring that every consenting ‘yes’ is a clear, unslurred ‘Hell yes!’ Plus you can practice safer sex and reduce your risk of injury.

When it comes to the physical, sober sex is all about experiencing raw, unfiltered sensations. It’s just you and them, and every single nerve ending is firing. Every touch and breath causes you to feel something.

Plus, it's a mental game-changer. You're not just going through the motions; you're fully present and aware of every moment. into every move, every moment. You're learning to connect to that sensual side of you without the help of a drink to tap into it. This is about building genuine confidence, the kind that doesn't come from a bottle.

How to have sober sex, your 101 guide. Image: Pexels

How to have sober sex

Alright, here’s how to transition from tipsy sex to sober sex, and be mindful it can be an adjustment and there's no rush. Start with non-sexual intimacy built up over a series of sober dates with great communication.

#1. Feel everything and challenge everything

It’s time to confront your feelings instead of drowning them with a vino. To do so, consider journaling. It might feel weird and raw, but you must get your fears out of your head and onto paper; otherwise, how will you keep them in check? This is basically a cognitive restructuring technique that will challenge (and rewrite) your irrational beliefs.

Make a list of the scariest and most anxiety-inducing scenarios you can think of. What are you thinking? What emotions do they evoke? And what behaviours do they cause you to do? Most likely, getting buzzed before getting busy.

Now, here’s where things get interesting. Dive into your pool of anxiety and find holes in your own ‘logic.’ Are your fears realistic? Put your thoughts and feelings on trial. Look for hard evidence, strong opposition and more than just your anxious opinions. And if you see phrases like, “always”, “never”, “should,” who made those rules? Challenge them. Even better do this with a friend or a therapist who can very gently and professionally call BS on your fears and help you reshape your beliefs.

Sober sex doesn't have to be scary. Image: Pexels

#2. Try exploring sober solo

Let’s talk about flying solo. If you've spent time getting to know yourself – really knowing yourself – you're not just prepping for 'game night,' but building a foundation of confidence that's rock solid. Knowing your likes and dislikes isn’t just self-awareness, it’s self-power for speaking with your partner. You have a map and you’re ready to share it.

Excellent (and free!) resources like Normal’s Body Confidence Course can act as your secret weapon, teaching you how to be present in and own your body.

#3. Communication is key

Let's talk about the elephant in the bedroom: Are you both ditching the drinks or is this a solo sober adventure? This isn't just pillow talk; it's a fundamental chat with no wrong answers. But keep in mind that your words here should be as clear as your sober goals. You can’t ever control someone else's actions but you can control your response and expression. This conversation might feel like an unsexy prelude but leads to much more mind-blowingly intimacy.

So, let's raise a glass (of water) to sober sex. It's not just changing the way we date; it's changing the way we connect. Once you strip away the booze, you're left with genuine, raw and real-time intimacy. And guess what? That's where the magic happens.

Sera Bozza is a dating coach and the founder of Sideswiped, offering dating coaching to help you stay upright in the world of left and right swipes. You can learn more about her here.

Originally published as Sober dating is trending, but how do you have sober sex?