Are toxic friendships making you sick? This is how to cut the chord

Don't stay out of sentimentality

Unfortunately, most of us have also likely experienced friendships that leave us feeling drained, exhausted or at worst, used. Here’s how to spot them from afar, and how to get away. 

We all have those friends who we walk away from feeling inspired, lit up, seen, heard and understood. Those friends who we know have our best interests at heart and will be the first to champion us in a room full of opportunities. 

“Solid friendships give us something we all need, which is security and love through support,” says clinical psychologist and Director of Mindset Consulting Psychology, Dr Aileen Alegado. 

“Friendships not only help prevent isolation and loneliness, they can help you cope with life’s challenges and traumas, improve your self-confidence and give you a greater sense of purpose as they can mirror what is (or isn’t) important to you in life.”

But unfortunately, most of us have also likely experienced those friendships that leave us feeling drained, exhausted or at worst, used. And yet, despite knowing that these relationships might not be so good for our wellbeing, we hang in there – hopeful that things will turn around or that our friend will finally see the light and change their behaviour.

But most of the time, these toxic friendships aren’t serving us – and in some instances could even be making us sick. According to Alegado, the reason so many of us allow toxic friendships to discolour the water we swim in is often just due to the ever-changing nature of life.

 “We meet connections at different stages of life and miss setting the appropriate boundaries over time as we evolve,” she says. “This means we have outdated friendships that are maintained for sentimental reasons or fears of conflict.”

But in order to find more space for the relationships that bring joy to our life, we also need to learn how to identify when friendships may have turned toxic – so that our physical health and emotional well-being can be preserved and protected. 

“A healthy relationship is where there is a balance of power,” explains Alegado. “That said, a toxic one is when there are constantly challenging dynamics in your friendship that repeat in different scenarios, ultimately leaving you feeling drained, gaslighted or abused.”

A healthy relationship is where there is a balance of power. Image: Pexels

What are the signs our friendship has turned toxic?

“A few signs of a toxic friendship include high conflict (with you or them with others), competition that feels like you’re one-upping each other, you are afraid to express your thoughts and feelings, the person changes according to who they are around, constant gossiping about other people, being selfish and uncompromising (that is, they always get what they want), or being unreliable or untrustworthy—when their actions don’t match their words.”

While unfortunate, some of these traits feel all too familiar and there’s no question that each of us will experience a dynamic like this at some point in our lives. The key is to work out how to extricate ourselves from the friendship before it negatively impacts our well-being too much. 

“Practice assertiveness communication and tell them how you feel using ‘I statements’, suggests Alegado. “A good friend will hear you out and hopefully not realise you have been upset by something and will change their actions accordingly. If their behaviour persists, place stronger boundaries by communicating consequences: I have asked several times that if you keep going X, I will no longer be able to do Y.”

For many of us, this sort of confrontation might make our stomach squirm – but it’s important to prioritise our own emotional health and wellbeing and learn to have these tough conversations as early as possible. 

“It’s important to remember that who you are at 20 is not who you are at 30 and will be different yet again when you are in your 40s and 50s,” says Alegado. “The point being is that if we are growing and evolving, this should also be reflected in our relationships.”

Maintaining friendships simply out of some sense of sentimentality isn’t doing anyone any favours. Image: Pexels

How to step away from toxic friendships

‘Culling’ toxic friendships from our lives should therefore be normalised and something that we see as a self-care practice, rather than a traumatic experience. 

“We need to see that culling can be healthy when it comes from a place of acceptance that people can come into our lives for a reason, a season and occasionally we have the ones we will cherish for a lifetime. As much as we would like to believe that we can be friends with someone forever, the healthier belief is to be friends with someone who aligns with your values authentically.”

At the end of the day, we need to remember that maintaining friendships simply out of some sense of sentimentality isn’t doing anyone any favours. And just like toxic friendships can negatively impact our health and well-being, it would do us all a world of good to remember that the opposite is in fact true, too. 

“Adults with strong emotional connections have reduced risks for significant health problems such as depression and high blood pressure,” says Alegado. “In fact, studies in longevity and ageing have shown that those who have meaningful relationships and social support later in life are likely to outlive their peers with less connections.”

So if nothing else, ditching toxic friendships might just be the key to living a longer, happier life!

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Originally published as Are toxic friendships making you sick? This is how to cut the chord