How to cope with a colleague you hate

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• In this article:

• How to approach workplace tension head on

• How your communication style can make all the difference

• The secret to getting on with everyone

Irritating co-workers are inevitable, but there is a way to diffuse the tension with simple tips direct from workplace gurus. 

You’d have to be living under a rock to not know that former Sex and the City actor, Kim Cattrall, has had an ongoing public feud with her co-star Sarah Jessica Parker for more than a decade. Still, the pair shocked the world by crossing paths again in the series two finale of spin-off show And Just Like That… last year. 

Cattrall, who played Samantha Jones, has made her feelings about SJP, aka Carrie Bradshaw, abundantly clear since the original series wrapped (she even blasted the words “you are not my friend” in a public message on social media). But despite the bad blood, and the fact Parker co-produces the new series, Cattrall agreed to the cameo appearance. (One can’t help but assume that perhaps money talked?)

Still, Cattrall is far from the only person in the world forced to navigate a relationship with a work colleague she dislikes. In a recent US survey, 90 per cent of workers admitted having at least one co-worker who annoyed them, and 57 per cent said they had considered quitting, or had actually left their job, because of an irritating colleague. 

Here in Australia, it seems we’re no less jaded. According to the 2022 Workplace Happiness Survey, done by Indeed and YouGov, three out of four employed Aussies felt unhappy at work in the year prior, with ‘colleague relations’ being one of the key factors contributing to this discontent. 

So, what’s going on and why are we so salty? According to these recent studies, top irritations with colleagues include: taking credit for other people’s work, talking over people in meetings, oversharing personal information and general arrogant behaviour. Sarah Aviram, author of Remotivation: The Remote Worker’s Ultimate Guide to Life-Changing Fulfilment, says our levels of irritability have increased significantly since COVID-19 locked us all down.

“One big issue is the different communication styles,” she says. “Extroverted colleagues can be ‘too much’, operating on overdrive because they are delighted to be working in a team again, while introverted colleagues, who had gotten used to asynchronous communication – allowing them to be able to think before answering and not being interrupted – can find it hard to be interacting with others again.” 

You don't need to be best friends with everyone, but you do need to be able to work amicably. Image: Pexels.

But the million dollar question is: what can you actually do if one of your co-workers is making life in the office a living hell? “It takes a lot of hard work to make a job change so, before you jump ship, educate yourself on giving feedback to the people you work with so you have a chance of improving things,” suggests Sue Ingram, founder of people management consultancy, Converse Well, and author of Fire Well: How to Fire Staff So They Thank You. 

Experiencing a colleague crisis? Try these safe strategies in the interests of office harmony, and your own sanity.

#1. Take time and space to deal with your irritations

If someone is getting on your nerves at work, it’s best not to confront them when you’re irritated and certainly not with an audience in an open-plan environment, says Aviram. “It’s also not good to scream, ‘That was my idea!’ across the boardroom table. It makes you look bad, not them.” 

Allow yourself time to calm down, then ask for a formal meeting in a private space. Say, “I’d love to discuss something with you when you have a few minutes,” so you have the time and space to address it properly, without risking a screaming match in the corridor to the staff kitchen.

#2. Be specific about irritating behaviour, then ask, don’t accuse 

Once you have them in a quiet, private space, try the ‘SBI’ technique, says Aviram. This stands for Situation, Behaviour and Impact. “Name the specific situation where it happened, then state the behaviour that you witnessed. For example, ‘You didn’t mention in the meeting that I had co-created the presentation with you.’ Then try to seek clarification and give them an opportunity to explain their side or perspective before stating the impact this had on you.” 

Always use a neutral tone, adds Ingram. Don’t accuse. “Use language like: ‘I’ve noticed’, ‘I’m beginning to think’, ‘I perceive’, ‘I suspect’, ‘I have a concern that when you play on your phone/when you talk over me, it impacts my deadlines/mood/motivation.’ And then ask the question: ‘Is everything OK with you?’ Keep focused on specific, nameable behaviours and then open up an honest but direct conversation.”

“It takes a lot of hard work to make a job change so, before you jump ship, educate yourself on giving feedback to the people you work with so you have a chance of improving things” - Sue Ingram. Image: Unsplash.

 

#3. Find something you respect about the person to flip your inner script 

“Try this for two weeks,” advises Ingram. You can’t change another person, but you can change your reaction to them. “If we give feedback with irritation front and centre, it can very easily make us look spiteful.” 

You should remember that if a colleague is irritating you, you may be irritating them. Someone has to break the cycle. If you change the dynamic by being friendly and helpful, the other person will very likely react differently, which could naturally change the vibe between you.

#4. Always be kind to others and deploy external help 

What if your colleague has genuine body odour? Or a habit you find stomach-churning? “If someone is struggling with personal hygiene, this can often be a symptom of depression or mental health,” says Ingram. “Before you address this, notice what that person is doing well and give them positive praise so they will be more likely to see you as an ally. Then open up the conversation by asking: ‘How are you, because I noticed X, Y and Z and was a little worried?” 

Have relevant and practical resources to signpost where they can seek help if they do open up to you. In short, being a kind and supportive colleague is never a bad idea.

He honest, but also open to understanding their perspective. Image: Pexels.

#5. Set a ‘team contract’ and stick to it

As the old saying goes, ‘community is unity’. “Agree on some basic rules of engagement with your colleagues while you’re working together, such as: ‘I will be on time’, ‘I will be respectful 

to you’, ‘We will not eat when we’re on Zoom’,” says Ingram. Set simple boundaries without singling anyone out and you could be pleasantly surprised at the massively positive impact they make to team dynamics.  

#6. Do a personality test like Myers-Briggs or Enneagram

It may sound slightly woo, but hear us out. Learning more about personality types will help you understand your communication style – you may be a visionary extrovert with a messy creative mind, which will irritate the life out of a process-type personality. They think you’re a headless chicken, you think they’re a major killjoy. 

“Educate yourself about what types work best together and acknowledge the value of different communication styles, then ask how you can work effectively together,” advises Ingram.

#7. Seek more genuine fulfilment at work

None of these techniques working? Consider the immortal words of Taylor Swift: the problem may be you. “Often, people are just in the wrong role, or their priorities or motivations have shifted,” explains Aviram. 

Try this: imagine a graph with two axes – one axis is how enjoyable a task is and the other is how much impact it has. Ideally, you want to be doing tasks that create the biggest impact which you enjoy. If you are bored collating reports that no-one reads, you’re probably experiencing a lot of frustration and then taking it out on your colleagues. 

Take a step back and look at how you can do things differently. “When you love your job, you’ll be a lot less irritated by your colleagues,” adds Aviram. Now that’s sage career advice if ever we heard it. 

Sarah Aviram’s clever tips for juggling work politics

Don’t constantly go to your boss with complaints about colleagues

Let your boss know if another colleague has presented 

your idea as theirs, but tell them you’ll sort it out with them directly. You are asking for your boss’s support but not whingeing. By taking this approach, you’re showing yourself to be a positive, solution-focussed individual, according to Ingram. A major win in the workplace.

Don’t fall into a child-parent dynamic with your boss

Beware childhood dynamics that can be triggered by authority figures, where you or colleagues can be the sulky/whiny child to the ‘parent boss’, which never bodes well in office environments. For more healthy dynamics, aim for adult-to-adult relationships where you can work towards a common objective in a mature, collaborative way.

What if the colleague you can’t stand is your boss?

If you don’t plan to leave your job, try to squeeze as much from your role as you can – look for ways to fast-track your professional development, build relationships in other departments, shift your attention away from negative feelings and ask, “What can I get out of this?” It’s a smart strategy that could open up brand-new career opportunities.

Originally published as How to cope with a colleague you hate