I was walking down the street the other day, feeling stressed because my boyfriend hadn’t texted me back for a few hours. We’ve been dating for over a year, and I don’t question whether or not he loves me. I know he does. The way he looks at me, the way he shows up for me, the way he speaks about me to others, the way he makes me feel. But even still, there’s a tiny little voice in the back of my head that starts to panic when he takes longer than usual to reply.

It’s probably because of toxic relationship behaviours I’ve endured in the past. I grew up in the era of online relationships – MySpace, MSN, Facebook – where boys messaging you meant that they liked you. It was also the era where them not replying for hours at a time came to mean they’d lost interest in you.

It was the single most stressful thing in high school; waiting for a boy to text you back. Maybe he’s busy. Maybe he’s with his friends. Maybe his phone died. Your head would swim with possibilities outside of him not liking you, because that thought was unbearable. But so often, you’d be reminded that you couldn’t trust online communication. That one moment they’d be there, texting you every hour and telling you the things you wanted to hear and the next; they’d leave you on read and say the same thing to someone else.

These pivotal years, where romantic relationships felt like the biggest thing in life, have left me with a sense of distrust in online communication. There’s this anxiety living in the back of my mind, that believes something must be wrong if they don’t text you back. That maybe; they’ve moved on to someone else. I hate that it has this control over me, even in a secure and healthy relationship.

In the past, I would’ve let this moment of worry pass on its own. I would’ve battled through the day and dealt with my feelings of anxiety alone, in an effort to remain cool and chill. But as I get older, I’ve been finding it harder to do that — because what’s the point if you can’t be honest? So this time, I decided to do things differently.

I texted my boyfriend again – the dreaded double-up – to tell him that his lack of response was making me stressed and that I needed reassurance. He called me pretty quickly after that and told me everything was okay, and that he didn’t realise long reply times were a point of stress. I explained to him why they are. He told me he’d do his best to not make a habit of it. 

I felt relieved. I can’t remember a time in the past when I’ve been so open about needing reassurance and received it. I realised, in that moment, that just because you’re in a healthy relationship, doesn’t mean that you don’t need reassurance. 

“It’s totally normal in a healthy relationship to seek reassurance,” says sex and relationship expert Sylvia Smith. “Relationships are based on mutual trust, but each person has insecurities or feelings of doubt at one time or another.” 

“Sometimes life circumstances, stress, or personal experiences make us yearn for reassurance; it's just a product of emotional safety with someone. There are even times when even the most stable relationships need to know that we're loved, valued, and appreciated.”

I’ve been so afraid of asking for reassurance in the past, going about relationships assuming I’d been deemed “too much” or that it would be a reason that someone wouldn’t date me. Personally, I think this is a societal issue – especially in Western culture, where we’ve normalised and even romanticised not talking about our feelings. 

For women, there are so many tropes when it comes to being “needy that stop us from expressing the things that we really want out of fear that we won’t be loved. We still live in a society that rewards women the most for being desirable and reproducing, so it should really be no surprise that we naturally feel the urge to do whatever it takes to be desired.

Unfortunately, it can often mean not asking for reassurance in the moments that we need it, because we feel like maybe we shouldn’t.

However, being in a healthy relationship requires being vulnerable, and being vulnerable means asking for what you need even if you feel afraid that you might lose the other person in the process. That is simply the risk you take by being your complete, authentic, flawed and beautiful self. 

So, how can you ask for reassurance in insecure moments?

Smith says it's all about communicating clearly but calmly. 

“Instead of demanding or showing doubt in some kind of confrontational manner, explain how you are feeling and why some reassurance would mean so much. This can be as basic as "I feel really insecure, and it would be great if you reminded me how much I mean to you.".”

In my experience, in order to communicate calmly it’s best not to hold onto it. If you can understand why you might be feeling a particular way, the traumas and experiences in your life that have led to insecurities and doubts, then you have a better shot at being able to explain it to your partner.

For me, I feel that it’s helpful for my boyfriend to know what makes me insecure and why. Not just so that he can avoid them or be aware of me in those moments, but so that he can understand me better as a whole person, with experiences outside of him and our relationship. 

“Vulnerability in this nature invites your partner into a space of support in the way that feels most natural to them.”

Because you don’t want to force someone to behave in a way that isn’t true for them. I think this is easier said than done, but by self-reflection and understanding yourself, you can understand that you’re not feeling insecure because of your partner – you’re feeling it due to past experiences and societal expectations and influences. But, if you can work through this and explain it to them as something that isn’t their fault, but something that’s true for you; it will make it much easier for them to understand your experience and have a true desire to reassure you in those moments, as it doesn’t take away from their autonomy.

“It is all about communication, ensuring your request is one born from understanding and not pressure,” Smith says.

In short, if you need reassurance in a relationship – that’s very okay. In fact, it’s extremely normal. But first, it’s important to understand what you need at that moment and why, so you can communicate it efficiently and let your partner in.