Em Rusciano: The ripe peach under Kerri-Anne’s formal frock is doing my head in
EM RUSCIANO: As I took in the masterpiece that was KAK’s badongadonk I thought: YES! How empowering, inspiring and amazing! Pass me the kale.
Face & Body
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I THINK it’s fair to say we all want to look good for our age. I’m not ashamed to admit that if I can elicit a gasp or an impressed nod when I reveal my age to be 27 … 30 … OK I’m 36. It fills me with an all over thrill, a sense of achievement and the need to give the middle fingered salute to time.
A few weeks ago I MC’d an International Women’s Day debate where I was lucky enough to meet author, lecturer and all round impressive woman Jane Caro. We were discussing the pressure on ladies in the public eye to look younger and she suddenly announced:
“BULLS**T! I love being old. I’m almost 60. I LOVE IT. You’ve got to stop caring what other people think of you Em. We need to reclaim the word old. OLD IS GREAT!”
After her impassioned outburst I felt empowered, inspired and hopeful. YES! That is the way to go. How marvellous to be so content with the ageing process. I’ve been too shallow. When the time comes: elasticated pants, sensible shoes and grey hairs, come at me!
Then I saw a picture of Kerri-Anne Kennerley’s perky, high, cellulite free 60-something-year-old ass last week (which she accidentally revealed on the ASTRA red carpet) and all of Jane Caro’s words flew out my ear. As I took in the masterpiece that was KAK’s badongadonk I thought: YES! How empowering, inspiring and amazing. I want to go to there. Pass me the kale.
Have you thought about how you want to age? Are you going to go out fighting, clawing at the last shreds of your youth with perfectly manicured hands. Or will you allow yourself to slowly crack, and happily let gravity do its work on your extremities?
I go into a mental loop when I think about this situation. Is it more empowering for Kerrie-Anne to say up yours to the world of youth obsessed TV by reinventing herself physically more times than I can count? Let’s not forget this woman beat breast cancer as well. Or is my friend Jane Caro right in that you just have to work on giving zero f**ks about what people think of you and except getting old and what that brings physically?
At the moment I am wildly swinging between the two extremes.
Part of me hopes to look hot, high and tight right into my 70s. In my weaker moments I have vowed to myself that I will begin the necessary yoga, Botox and green smoothie regimen the second I notice gravity winning the battle over my body.
The other part thinks I might have to give up wine, carbs and fun and I’m not sure I’m prepared to do that.
Madonna hasn’t touched a drop of alcohol since the late 80s and as a result has the face and knees of someone half her age. But wine has seen me through some tough times! I’d probably still be a virgin if it wasn’t for the anxiety quelling effects of vino. Why would I want to turn my back on an old pal who has been there for me through thick and thin?!
The truth is: if we lined up 100, 60-year-old women and had them take part in an en masse mooning, I doubt many of their back ends would resemble the tanned, ripe peach Kerrie-Anne had hidden under her formal frock.
So are we doing a disservice to older ladies everywhere by standing and applauding each time an older woman in the public eye looks younger than she is? Aren’t we just perpetuating the pressure on women to never allow themselves to actually age, enjoy life and eat donuts?
I DON’T KNOW OK!
What I do know is that older ladies feel pressure to look hot. Especially those in the public eye. Also you have to get it ABSOLUTELY perfect. Too much surgery or not quite enough and you’ll end up in an online picture gallery of some sort.
After much thought I have decided that I’m comfortable with somewhere in the middle, leaning more to the side of wrinkles and responsible alcohol consumption.
Yes of course I will continue to buy expensive, unnecessary lotions and potions, perhaps consider Botox and try to run a few times a week. In reality I’d say my future will involve multicoloured turbans, over the top costume jewellery and a selection of leopard print kaftans. I will be surrounded by dogs in a rundown castle on a hill, surviving only on gin and barbecue shapes.
Not that I’ve given it too much thought.
I just know that I can’t commit to middle age factor 10 hotness because it seems like too much hard work.
But to the ladies who can: mad props yo.
Em Rusciano is a comedian, writer, singer and regular news.com.au columnist. You can follow her on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.
Originally published as Em Rusciano: The ripe peach under Kerri-Anne’s formal frock is doing my head in