Dating today isn’t romance; it’s a high-stakes hiring process. You plug in your checklist: tall, successful, emotionally available (lol). And the result? “There’s no one near you.”

Enter the dating de lulu calculator, a tool that uses cold, complex US Census data to crunch the numbers on your “must-haves”– age, height, income – and spits out the harsh truth: Your dream partner criteria have shrunk the dating pool to a sad puddle of maybe two people. And guess what? One of them is your ex. Yikes.

But before you spiral into TikTok therapy, let’s take a beat. These statistics shouldn’t terrify you; they should expose how we’ve turned dating into a weird mix of job applications and Netflix recommendations.

Maybe it’s time to stop narrowing and start noticing, ditch the checklist and focus on what creates connection – the stuff that happens when you're too busy having fun to check off boxes. Once you understand how we got so delusional about filters, it’s surprisingly easy to start letting them go.

Why filters took over: when choice became overload

Dating apps promised an infinite pool of options. Suddenly, you weren’t just meeting people in your neighbourhood; you had thousands of potential dates at your fingertips.

But here’s the catch: your brain isn’t built to handle infinite options. Filters tricked us into thinking we were optimising our dating lives when we were just doom-swiping. Instead of connecting with people, we’re crunching numbers – height, job titles, hobbies – like they predict emotional chemistry.

The result? We filter out the messy, imperfect, but deeply human experiences that lead to love.

The productivity trap: why we over-filter

Filters feel like control, but they’re just armour, shielding us from rejection, vulnerability, and the messy reality of dating. In trying to avoid bad experiences, we end up avoiding experiences altogether.

And here’s the kicker: those filters aren’t just limiting your options but reinforcing old patterns. Clinging to a “type” might feel comfortable, but it’s probably keeping you stuck in the same dating loop.
Whether it's a specific look, job, or personality trait, clinging to your “type” might keep you single. Your type doesn’t necessarily work for you; it’s just what’s familiar. And familiar isn’t always good. 

If your type has failed you in the past, it’s time to step out of your comfort zone. If you’re more focused on crossing off requirements than actually connecting, you’re missing the whole point of dating in the first place.

Ditch the shopping mindset

Modern dating has turned us into consumers, constantly searching for the best deal, the next upgrade, the “perfect fit.” We’re swiping through people the way we shop for gadgets, convinced that the next match will finally be the one that checks all the boxes.

But love isn’t a product you buy; it’s a connection you build. And no amount of filtering will guarantee that spark if you approach it like a shopping spree. Instead of analysing people like products, experience them. Focus on the moments, not the metrics.

Being obsessed with finding someone who ticks all ‘the right’ boxes: job, looks, interests… Often misses the bigger picture: emotional compatibility. Ditch the checklist and ask better questions: How do I feel with this person? Do we have fun doing absolutely nothing? Are they emotionally available? These are the questions that truly matter and validate your feelings.

How to use filters without them using you

Start with the essentials:

What do you need for your emotional and mental well-being? Kindness, emotional availability, and mutual respect? Keepers. But “must love hiking”? Probably not a dealbreaker.

Look for possibility, not perfection: 

Instead of crossing people off the list for minor flaws, think about what draws you in. Do they make you laugh? Could they surprise you in the best way? Give yourself a chance to be curious instead of critical.

Check your assumptions:

Are your standards yours, or are they shaped by what your friends, family, or Instagram feed says you should want? If you're filtering out anyone under 6’0” but think Tom Holland is hot, you're lying to yourself.

Ditch your delulu

Filters are built on a scarcity mindset: “There aren’t enough good people out there, so I have to narrow the field.” But abundance asks, “What if I’m just not noticing the right ones?”

The dating pool isn’t tiny, but your mindset might be. So stop chasing ‘perfect’ and start embracing what’s real. The perfect partner shows up, puts in effort, and makes your Monday mornings less miserable. And guess what? Filters can’t measure that.