James Weir recaps Farmer Wants A Wife: Guy ditches reality TV girlfriends, drives off

Farmer Wants A Wife came to an abrupt end tonight as one of the farmers ditched his TV girlfriends and drove off without a word.

A Farmer Wants A Wife stockman ditches his flock of reality TV girlfriends and drives off into the dark on Monday night, leaving a trail of broken hearts along with a dust cloud as his LandCruiser rumbles over the gravel road.

How do the girls find out? Well, the screeching tyres followed by the guy’s immediate disappearance are kinda the giveaway.

The farmer’s whereabouts remains unknown. If Channel 7 execs were smart, they would’ve done some synergistic programming and produced a fictionalised miniseries about this mystery, with Noni Hazlehurst playing a world-weary police woman whose dry wit matches the even dryer outback landscape of which she patrols.

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It starts the way all mysteries do: with a cat fight about an anonymous text message exposing someone’s secret boyfriend.

Let’s set the scene. Dusk has fallen over the countryside and the smell of smoke pluming out of the homestead’s chimney fills the air. Inside, Farmer Dean kicks off his Blundstones. The battered leather work boots match his calloused hands after a lifetime of labouring in the field. He lumbers down the hallway, over the creaking hundred-year-old floorboards, and into the kitchen where his three TV girlfriends are cooking a roast dinner.

The leg of rump looks a little dry and the mashed potatoes have more lumps than the back field after ploughing. Farmer Dean dumps his smoko Thermos into a pot of murky washing-up water. The girls shriek. That washing-up water is actually the gravy.

They move the lukewarm feast to the dinner table. Farmer Dean mumbles grace. Then they enjoy some completely normal chitchat. The main topic of conversation? Why the hell Farmer Dean won’t dump Teegan even after an anonymous text message revealed she allegedly has a secret boyfriend in the outside world.

“In the last couple of days, it has really just been Dean and Teegan, Dean and Teegan, Dean and Teegan,” Bella fumes. “And it’s like the rest of us don’t exist.”

It seems the text message has only strengthened Farmer Dean’s affection for Teegan. The other girls pledge to raise hell.

“Well, I guess I have a question. And this is gonna be a lot, so … buckle up,” Bella says. “Obviously we are all here because we do want to get to know you. My question is: do you still want us all here?

Farmer Dean looks … well … stunned?

‘Wot?’

“It’s hard to see you put so much effort into one person and then the rest of us are just sitting there wondering if you do want to get to know us,” Bella says.

Teegan decides to chime in with a helpful observation.  

“Have either of you put in any effort?” she asks. 

This remark is received pleasantly by the other girls.

“We all put in effort!” Tiffany snaps. “It’s not fair that you say Bella and I don’t put in the effort! We do try to put in the effort but it’s hard when YOU TWO talk all the time and don’t include us in stuff!”

Tensions are running high for everyone because of the looming elimination. Farmer Dean must send one of the girls home tonight. But his feelings are murkier than the dishwashing gravy.

It’s OK, Teegs — those two mean girls are just jealous of your braids.

As the girls continue to bicker, Farmer Dean ducks outside for a breather.

“I’ll be back,” he promises the girls.

Moments later, the sound of a car engine rumbles through the homestead. Then there’s the unmistakeable crunch of car tyres on a gravel road.

The girls run over to a window and peer out. Their faces are illuminated in a satanic red glow from the tail lights of Dean’s LandCruiser as they watch him speed away.

Admit it: you all thought I was exaggerating about the satanic red glow.

“I’m feeling a bit confused, I don’t know what’s going on,” Tiffany sulks.

Where’s Dean gone? That’s a question for Noni Hazlehurst.

Facebook: @hellojamesweir

Originally published as James Weir recaps Farmer Wants A Wife: Guy ditches reality TV girlfriends, drives off