The Mouth: Why Valentine’s Day is for suckers and I choo-choo-choose to stay home instead

Is there anything less romantic or sexy than some fixed price meal and the obligation to be all loved up? It’s about as much fun as filing taxes, that’s why The Mouth choo-choo-chooses to stay home.

Not to come across all cynical, but is there any bigger red flag in a potential partner than their being into Valentine’s Day?

Put aside for a moment the grisly martyrdom of Valentinus and the roundabout way his name became forever shackled to overpriced roses and the brilliant “I choo-choo-choose you” episode of The Simpsons.

The idea that “romance”, however one cares to define it, should be officially celebrated, again however one cares to celebrate it, on one certain date seems insane.

It’s sort of the opposite of how some performative sad sacks like to complain about Australia Day.

Where some like to not celebrate our national day because they don’t really like the nation, if you’re a true romantic a “Romance Day” reduces love and passion down to an obligation as joyfully fulfilled as filing a BAS statement.

Valentine’s Day means compulsory romance on the menu.

Restaurants, of course, have a love-hate relationship with the day.

Pro: Tons of guaranteed bookings and, generally, an easy-ish set menu.

It’s all fun and games until someone chokes on the ring concealed in the chocolate fondant.

Con: All the pressure of proposals and the danger that some lucky girl accidentally swallows the ring hidden in their chocolate fondant.

We searched our inbox (145,619 unread messages) for Valentine’s Day menus to see what the local hospitality trade was doing and it seems like, quietly, the needle is moving away from the 14th.

For some years now women have been getting together with their pals to enjoy “gal-entine’s day”, which is a win-win as it allows their husbands and boyfriends to watch Goodfellas on the sofa for the 197th time.

But now, plenty of restaurants are just going with V-Day, to take the pressure off (though it sounds a little like V-E Day).

The Nomad people are basically doing a fortnight of different events and offers for the month.

Many restaurants think, against all practicality, that romance is a big, meat heavy, several courses of steak and pasta.

We thought the Woollahra Wine Library was more on point with its offer of $85 worth of snacks and a couple of wine pairing options.

Still others are going all in with tradition.

One of the more hilariously grim offers in the in-tray was for a romantic night including rose petals on the bed and a “curated” bottle of wine at a hotel in (wait for it) Canberra, a town that sees more than its fair share of furtive couplings but is hardly a destination for romance.

This was only topped by a supermarket chain offering its email list a bunch of Valentine’s Day recipes including a luridly pink “beetroot pasta with herbs” which they suggested one might follow by making “chilli beef with rice”.