The Mouth: Why non-alcoholic G&T is just Noot for me

Not even the fact that its name paid homage to Pingu the penguin made The Mouth’s journey into ‘pretend’ alcohol palatable. It was a dry argument.

The Mouth isn't having a bar of 'pretend' gin and tonic, right, even if its name pays homage to Pingu the penguin. Pictures: Supplied

Imagine you’ve just had a really big day at work.

You’re weary, stressed, want to wind down, and need a little liquid refreshment to take the edge off, settle the nerves, and allow you to expand on the horror show that was the previous eight hours to your partner or mates or cocker spaniel.

But instead of a nice refreshing G & T you are handed something that tastes like a diet tonic water that’s been infused with thyme and misted with a spray of Aerogard.

Welcome, friend, to the glorious new world of alcohol free cocktails.

This weekend, inspired by the same bored “wonder what that’d be like” curiosity that inspires saner people to attempt bank robbery, this column bought a four pack of something called Noot.

Noot non-alcoholic G&T. Picture: Facebook

We chose it mostly because we liked the name (those who remember the angry Claymation penguin Pingu will get the joke) but also because we were intrigued by its claim to “nootropic”, or brain enhancing, ingredients.

This column knows at least one local author who finished a book on deadline thanks to actual prescription nootropic drugs obtained from a dodgy website, and has heard other rumours about Air Force One flight surgeons dishing nootropics out to staffers to get them through gruelling overseas presidential trips.

Thus, we thought, even if we wouldn’t catch a boozy buzz we might get a bit more brainy.

Fat chance. As a test this column tried to make it through the entire introduction to Oswald Spengler’s Decline of the West but only made it seven pages before falling asleep in a chair.

After knocking back three Noots in quick succession, the only discernible effect on our nervous system was a desperate need to pee.

The question then becomes why do we keep hearing so much about the new trend for alcohol-free drinks?

A Canberra source tells this column that the other night a lobby group for the zero-alcohol wine industry put on a do for staffers and MPs in Parliament House, giving new meaning to the phrase dry old argument.

Plug “sober curious” into the ABC’s website and you get six or seven pages of results.

Perhaps people think there is a buck to be made in something novel, but it is hard not to see this as something deeper and a reflection of a modern puritanism that sees work and wellness as its highest virtues.