THE MOUTH: The Daily Telegraph’s undercover food critics number one rule? Don’t queue for food
The Daily Telegraph’s undercover food critic has one key rule when it comes to dining out. And explains why you need to follow it too.
Confidential
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Usually it takes us two or three martinis to get all political, but even sober it is worth sharing this column’s one iron clad piece of advice when it comes to food (and much else, besides).
Quite simply, it is this: We here in the free and democratic West did not go through all the trouble of winning the Cold War only to queue for bread.
We first made this observation 20 years ago.
Back then, we first noticed the long lines outside the old original Bourke Street Bakery, hipsters (or whatever they were called then) all waiting for the chance to buy a loaf of bread like Soviet babushka ladies in 1978.
Of course, Bourke Street Bakery was a truly revolutionary outfit bringing “artisanal” bread to the masses.
Even today their influence means you can’t get an eggs benny in this town without needing a steak knife to cut through the underlying sourdough paver.
The point of this?
Simply that as per the old saying, all that glitters is not gold.
Now, we have seen plenty of food fads come and go. Remember when people used to queue for “cronuts”?
These days we’re no wiser: Nowadays even on a Tuesday it’s not unusual to see a queue outside the CBD’s Caterpillar Club waiting expectantly for the chance to eat a $42 cheeseburger or a $26 plate of four – four! – oysters.
Why do we do this?
Surely it’s not because the burger is that good, but because we see other people wanting it, we want it too.
Philosophers like Rene Girard have written shelves of books on this phenomenon, formally known as “mimetic desire.”
It’s an imitative force that helps babies learn language, drives progress, but also contains a dark and violent underside that is the root of everything from jealousy to war.
Which is why we love it when in the hospitality world someone picks up on this, and shines a light on it.
In 1980s New York a nightclub impresario drove her business to wild heights simply by putting a sign saying “Disco full” outside her establishment.
And in 2024 Sydney, we were amused to see a prankster create viral sensation for an Elizabeth Street ramen restaurant that saw hundreds waiting outside for a chance to sup on what turned out to be supermarket packet noodles.
As The Mouth says, never queue for food.
— The Mouth is an undercover critic and bon vivant who pays his own way around Sydney and beyond.
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