Don’t be jealous about that body... you can purchase it: Soraiya Fuda reviews The Bach

SORAIYA FUDA’S REVIEW: The drama intensifies on The Bachelor as the claws come out at a cocktail party catfight and big-nippled Richie gets his first kiss. All this and it’s only the second episode.

And the drama begins!

THE drama has intensified on The Bachelor after a cocktail party catfight and Richie’s first kiss. Keira AKA Lara Bingle’s Bad Angle’s Resting Bitch Face looks like it has welcomed a new addition to her everyday facial expressions.

But first Richie makes sure the two most beautiful women in the house have faces that match their bodies: It’s bikini time! The only down side is that I have to watch Richie without a shirt again – he has really big nipples, it’s distracting.

Nikki’s face is just as good as her body.

The Rope Access Technician woos Nikki first by luring her into a helicopter, which flies them to a private beach, for a one-on-one date. Nikki shouldn’t get used to this affluent lifestyle because after the show Richie may only be able to afford to spot her at a local indoor rock climbing centre.

Richie shows off with a chopper.

Snippets of yesterday’s most cringeworthy contestants flashes before us just in case we were actually able to erase them from our memories. Eliza’s stupid song, sang out of tune is replayed with her telling the camera “I’m lady Eliza,” before slapping him on the arse and going off on her merry way. Classy.

Cinderella Janey says she would like a single date with Richie but I’m pretty sure he’s not ready to hang out with a five-year-old just yet. Janey also needs to fire her hairdresser.

As Nikki and Richie recreate a scene from The Notebook, she finally gets her kit off and Richie is happy with what he sees. Richie hands her a rose after they chat about their past relationships. They pash on the sand before continuing a formal-interview-style conversation. It’s text-book The Bachelor.

Nikki nabs the first Bachie kiss.

The connection is strong.

Back in the mansion and Kiki has another envelope. The women are acting like deprived schoolgirls. Kiki, who looks like Black Eye Peas’ Fergie post-surgery, has the date card. As she reads each name out, the women cheer. Eliza is especially excited to be included on the list. She admits she hasn’t shown Richie her true colours. I’m hoping it doesn’t involve another song.

As the women contemplate why they’re still single, Lara Bingle’s Bad Angle is pissed that she has been included on the group date. She wants one on one time with Richie. She’s the whole package. There is an air of tension in the mansion as the women stare at Kiera trying to decide if she’s being a legit sook or if it’s just her resting bitch face.

Lara Bingle’s Resting Bitch Face isn’t happy.

Meanwhile, Sasha is happy she made the group date – she might be able to eat another rose.

Back on the date with Richie and he’s telling Nikki that “Clubbing isn’t my jam.” He’s dope. They seem to be hitting it off.

Keira is back in the mansion doing her maths. “They’ve been gone for 12 hours. I’m ready for bed,” she says. Nikki comes home with a rose and confesses that she kissed Richie. The women throw shade at her but disguise it with high-pitched screams as though they’re actually happy she is stealing their man.

On the group date we finally get to see Osher. I’m actually salivating. This man is beautiful. After I compose myself, I hear something about a photo shoot competition for a woman’s magazine. Now all of the women think they’re models especially Fergie Post Surgery.

The ladies are dressed in their best 50s fashion and Fergie shows off her butt in a tight leopard jumpsuit. The women are acting as though they’re jealous of her body – they shouldn’t be because you can purchase it.

Another day another date.

There’s only a slight bit of chemistry between Richie and single-mum Alex during the shoot. The rest of it was yawn-worthy.

While the ladies are relaxing in the mansion, Richie decides he has one more surprise. He pulls up on a motorbike. He looks like he’s going through a mid-life crisis. Richie asks hottie Olena on a one-on-one date with him. He also wants to see her in a bikini.

Richie decides he has one more surprise.

Olena interrogates him about his life, whether he wants kids and why his father walked out on him. It’s awkward but he doesn’t seem to mind because she’s a babe. He brings her back to the Bach pad and makes her take a dip with him in his private pool. He’s happy with her hot bod and gives her a rose. She doesn’t kiss him. He’s disappointed.

Richie has also bought Olena a red dress to wear to the cocktail party. She’s pretty pleased that she has shoes to match the frock.

Richie’s looking and he’s liking.

The claws come out at the cocktail party after Alex decides to redeem her white rose and spend uninterrupted time with Richie. They chat about sport and her son. She giggles way too much during the conversation.

Lara Bingle’s Bad Angle’s Resting Bitch Face throws massive shade at Alex when she emerges from a roof top private room. How dare she use the white rose advantage. But she doesn’t realise that Alex is pretty much on her A game when it comes to confrontation. Alex demonstrates she is used to dealing with a tantrum toddler and puts Kiera in her place. The argument ends with Alex yelling, “If you don’t care then be quiet.” Mic drop.

Alex is on fighting form!

Now at the rose ceremony, the women are gazing at Osher in lust or maybe that’s just me. Richie calls out each girl. Kiera is pissed that Alex gets a rose. Alex doesn’t notice.

Laura and Mia both leave empty handed and have very different reactions. Mia cries. I’m not sure why but maybe it’s because she’s still single. Bogan Laura says “See ya babe” and I almost think she may skull a beer and squash the can on her head when she gets home to her couch.

Bye bye.