Duncan Lay: Cooped-up stars are killing us with their ‘kindness’
A new disease is sweeping through celebrity land dubbed COOPED-UP-20. While there’s no coughing or sneezing, it forces stars like Madonna to make hideous, cringe-worthy videos from their bathtub or mansion — and it needs to stop, Duncan Lay writes.
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There’s a terrible new disease sweeping through celebrity-land. It’s not COVID-19, it’s something I’ve dubbed COOPED-UP-20 and it must be stamped out fast.
Symptoms are obvious. There’s no coughing or sneezing, instead it forces stars to make hideous, cringe-worthy videos from their bathtub or mansion.
Yes, it seems that enormous houses, every kind of electronic toy humans can imagine and a huge staff that was ordered to keep their social distance even before coronavirus arrived is not enough for many celebrities.
They need that warm feeling. Not the one that comes from a fever but instead from the love of an audience.
So they have taken to YouTube and Instagram to try and give us some “comfort” through this lockdown.
Obviously if they donated some of their gazillions to stretched medical services or poor bastards who have lost their jobs, that would be better.
But, apparently, they think an “inspiring” video message will do more good than actual helping.
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To be fair, there are some who are donating. And musicians who offer impromptu concerts are fantastic, for instance.
But there’s some been some hideous efforts from others.
Madonna, claiming that this virus makes everyone equal, while bathing in the milky blood of a freshly-killed unicorn, is a perfect example.
At least I think it was Madonna. She’s had so much surgery that it could easily have been Madonna’s maid in a rubber mask and we wouldn’t know the difference.
Vanessa ‘High School Musical’ Hudgens said the virus was “bullshit” and would last “like, a month?” before wishing everyone would: “Like, be responsible, be chill, be prepared.”
Yes, I’m looking forward to that public health campaign.
The massacre of John Lennon’s Imagine by Gal Gadot and a number of celebrity “pals” is another literally tone-deaf video that springs to mind.
I wonder if their PR people and managers are sitting at home slowly weeping as they watch these deluded celebrities blow up their carefully-crafted images by showing us who they “really” are?
Or are they telling these stars that all those people without a job, sitting at home worrying about their elderly parents, will feel much better if only they can hear an inspiring message from a celebrity in an infinity pool.
Sometimes I think they are another species. Case in point is Gwyneth Paltrow.
Paltrow, who normally spends her time promoting bizarre things like stickers that you wear to “rebalance the energy frequency in your body” has also been posting pictures of herself in a mask as she goes to a farmers’ market to buy heaps of overpriced veggies.
Naturally Paltrow’s critics have been quick to point out that she shouldn’t need to wear a mask unless she’s sick and, anyway, hasn’t she spent the last few years telling us that bee pollen and charcoal smoothies, interspersed with some vigorous vaginal steaming, make your immune system so strong that you never get anything?
But I haven’t been that petty. Instead, I have been watching her death scene in Contagion, where she’s coughing and choking on that deadly cinematic flu.
Thanks Gwyneth, that’s one celebrity video that always cheers me up.