HELP THEM FIND A HOME

Leonard Cohen is so far the only celebrity to leave the US following Donald Trump’s election, and the great singer-songwriter didn’t exactly do it voluntarily.

Weepy Trump-frightened Chelsea Handler said she was leaving, but – surprise! – she isn’t

Leonard Cohen is so far the only celebrity to leave the US following Donald Trump’s election, and he didn’t exactly do it voluntarily.

Others who vowed to depart are dragging their feet a little. Maybe they just need some real estate advice regarding their future Trump-safe locations. Let’s help ’em out:

Comedian Chelsea Handler. Destination: Spain. “I did buy a house in another country just in case, so all of these people that threaten to leave the country and then don’t, I will leave the country.”

In case Chelsea wants another Spanish option, this joint outside Orce seems ideal:

Sadly, however, Chelsea won't be moving after all. Her massive responsibilities as a television lightweight compel her to remain in Los Angeles: “I want to move to Spain. I really, really want to move to Spain right now. Everyone in my office is like, ‘you have a responsibility, you have a voice and you need to use it and you have to be here’.”

Actor Bryan Cranston. Destination: unknown. “Absolutely, I would definitely move.”

The Breaking Bad star might feel at home in delightful Neuchatel, Switzerland’s crystal methamphetamine capital. Charming rental properties abound:

Actress Chloe Sevigny. Destination: Nova Scotia.

You’re in luck, Chloe! This beautiful mansionette on Nova Scotia’s prestigious Herret Road has just hit the market:

Billionaire businessman Barry Diller. Destination: unknown. “If Donald Trump doesn’t fall, I’ll either move out of the country or join the resistance.”

Assuming the resistance option doesn’t work out, what about a joint in Germany’s increasingly colourful and multicultural northern city of Kiel? Something in a lively yellow may appeal to flamboyant Baz:

Comedian and complete sack of crap Lena Dunham. Destination: Canada. “I know a lot of people have been threatening to do this, but I really will. I know a lovely place in Vancouver.”

But is it as lovely as this place Lena? Hey, what could be lovelier than living in your very own delicatessen!

Former Daily Show host Jon Stewart. Destination: another planet. “I would consider getting in a rocket and going to another planet, because clearly this planet’s gone bonkers.”

Interplanetary travel is prohibitively expensive, so we recommend a place here on earth that is sometimes compared to another planet – scenic Iceland. Jon’s outer space fantasies would easily be fulfilled by rural Iceland’s spooky skies and mysterious, solemn inhabitants:

Actress Neve Campbell. Destination: back home to Canada.

Neve is originally from Guelph, so presumably will revert to her Ontario birthplace. And just in time, because a certain Hardy Street property won’t last long at only $389,000. Canadian bonus – it also has a small additional dwelling where Neve can stock all of her Molson, back bacon and Coleman coolers:

Actor Samuel L. Jackson. Destination: South Africa. “If that motherf---er becomes president, I’m moving my black ass to South Africa.”

Samuel’s ass will be right at home in sunny Mpumalanga province, where an open-air wonder awaits, complete with an authentic African pile of rocks:

Comedian Amy Schumer. Destination: Spain. “My act will change because I will need to learn to speak Spanish. Because I will move to Spain or somewhere. It’s beyond my comprehension if Trump won. It’s just too crazy.”

Amy’s act would change if it became funny. She now claims she was joking about her Spanish relocation plans, which is why everyone took it seriously. Work on that delivery, girl.

Singer Miley Cyrus. Destination: unknown. “I am moving if this is my president! I don’t say things I don’t mean!”

Sure you don’t, dear. But where to place this exhibitionist minx? Somewhere she can’t be seen, probably, which means no windows. Say hello to your new Andamooka abode, Miley:

Actor Omari Hardwick. Destination: Italy. “I’ll move from Denver to Italy. If Donald Trump wins the presidency, I’m out.”

Good move, Omari. Italy’s Molise region alone has many residences rated habitable or even better! Denver truly cannot compare:

Actress Natasha Lyonne. Destination: a mental hospital.

Natasha lives in New York City, so she’s spoiled for choice. Maybe she’ll consider the New York State Inebriate Asylum, which these days is run down and crumbling, a little like Natasha herself:

Comedian Keegan-Michael Key. Destination: Canada. “It’s like, 10 minutes from Detroit. That’s where I’m from. My mom lives there. It’d make her happy too.”

The closest Canadian city to Detroit is Windsor, right across the river. Keegan-Michael can easily make the Windsor-Detroit commute from his new inner-city pad which features a selling-point “eating area”:

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Destination: New Zealand. “Now it’s time for us to move to New Zealand. I can’t imagine what the country would be with Donald Trump as our president. For the country, it could be four years. For the court, it could be — I don’t even want to contemplate that.”

Instead, Ruth should contemplate living in idyllic Moerewa on New Zealand's glamorous far north. Will some of her fellow Supreme Court Justices be joining her? With six car parks, Ruth’s new home is the ideal post-Trump getaway for at least two-thirds of them:

Comedian Eddie Griffin. Destination: the Dark Continent. “He’s good at making money, but he’s ignorant. If Trump wins, I’m moving to Africa.”

So many nations to choose from, Eddie. Let’s look at the newest, South Sudan, where a mere few thousand US dollars will purchase a razor-wire encircled compound down Juba way:

Singer Ne-Yo. Destination: Canada.

Prince George in British Columbia is not without its attractions. Now, I’m not really sure what a Ne-Yo is or how much money a Ne-Yo might have, but it’s a safe bet that any Ne-Yo would adore an inexpensive two-bedroom dwelling on the edge of town:

Comedian George Lopez. Destination: back to Mexico. “We’ll all go back.”

Considering Lopez was born in LA, where he still lives, “going back” shouldn’t be a big problem. If he really craves a return to the land of his forefathers, however, Lopez should check out the Free and Sovereign State of Yucatan, where a minimalist masterpiece is ready for his offer:

Model Amber Rose. Destination: unknown. “I can’t even think about it! I’m moving, I’m out! I can’t. And I am taking my son with me!”

Amber’s search might narrow when she learns that the city furthest away from Donald Trump’s White House is none other than … Perth, Australia! She’ll need a place with a decent view, of course, so Amber can monitor any potential US military advances on the remote Western Australian capital:

Actress Raven-Symoné. Destination: Canada. “My confession for this election is if any Republican gets nominated, I’m gonna move to Canada with my entire family. Is that bad?”

Not if you’re a Newfoundland real estate agent! They’re be buying Screech by the gallon once Raven-Symoné starts throwing mega-dollar bids at this picayune Pilley’s Island pied-à-terre:

Civil rights schemer Al Sharpton. Destination: unknown.

He’s visited Israel more than once on various shallow PR missions, but the infamous New York City race hustler might now relocate permanently to the Holy Land. Reverend Al is directed towards Airbnb’s Sderot locations. They’re mostly terrific, but there is always the chance that Al could meet incoming Palestinian diplomacy:

Actress Ali Wentworth, wife of former Bill Clinton staffer George Stephanopoulos. Destination: Sydney. “If Trump wins, we’ll start looking at real estate in Sydney, Australia. No crime, no guns.”

If Ali and George get their skates on, they can still make it to Sydney in time for the inspection day next weekend of a potential bargain in Fairfield, where there's no guns and absolutely no crimes. Ever. I promise:

Singer Cher. Destination: fifth planet from the sun. “If he were to be elected, I’m moving to Jupiter.”

Queensland’s Gold Coast has got you sorted, old lady: