When your son asks: Why do feminists hate men?

IN this race to the bottom to emasculate and confuse young men, we’re teaching them to be afraid and feared at the same time, writes Louise Roberts. We owe it to them to do better.

Instead of focusing on the minority of males who behave like neanderthals, we should offer our boys great role models, and assume the best, not the worst.

IF you’re being driven insane by Christmas carols, then leave the store and focus on this as the ideal, soul-enriching present for your son.

Lock eyes with him and tell him clearly that boys are not vile, boys are not worthless. It is the best gift money cannot buy.

And it is one that no parent can afford to deny their preadult son who, like my 13-year-old, is navigating the most challenging generation yet to be a male. If you don’t count conscription, that is.

Each week the dangerous and unhelpful “all men are evil narrative” lurks as surveys are churned out devoted to the “big cultural change we need to effect” so we can exterminate the potential Don Burkes of the future.

Sure — alleged sex harassers must be exposed.

But it makes me think: what if my gender was maligned day in day out for being a danger to society simply because we are female?

What if teenage girls grew up not only processing body image issues but having to quash a nagging fear that people might see them as a potential rapist, pervert or aggressor?

This week’s miserable male message was no different, with anti-domestic violence campaigners Our Watch announcing that sexism “is rife” among young people.

The national foundation released a report called The Line which quizzed 1000 12-20 year olds and 500 parents “for their views on male and female roles in relationships (and) the answers were revealing”, according to Our Watch CEO Mary Barry.

This is not to denigrate Ms Barry’s work in the field of domestic violence. Her organisation’s motto is “Our vision is an Australia free from violence”, and this is an admirable one.

And naturally, I will not defend men who abuse women nor women who torment men.

But I do question the end game where statistics are offered up as proof of endemic and inevitably mushrooming sexism and potential violence when, in reality, they deliver anything but.

Boys shouldn’t be worrying about others seeing them as potential rapists or aggressors, they should be encouraged to let their good qualities shine. (Pic: iStock)

What purpose does this serve young people, apart from chipping away at masculinity which helps absolutely no one?

Case in point, via an opinion piece Ms Barry wrote this week, is Our Watch’s claim that “one in five Australians aged between 12 and 20 years old agreed that men should be the head of the household, while one in seven believed deliberate pushing and shoving is acceptable, so long as both parties apologise afterwards”.

So what about the remaining 80 per cent? Shouldn’t they be applauded?

It continues: “More than a quarter of young males admitted that it doesn’t bother them if their mates demean women through sexist jokes or comments, and admitted they aren’t worried if they’re with a group of friends and someone puts girls down by making jokes or comments about them.”

That’s roughly 75 per cent who don’t feel this way.

And then there is this: “Concerningly, the research also showed that almost one in four respondents believed that men or boys who take on dominant roles in their relationships with women or girls are likely to gain more respect from their friends.”

And the three out of four who theoretically didn’t subscribe to this statement? Got nothing.

That’s the thing about statistics. You can twist them like plasticine to suit any agenda.

We offer up endless aspirational modelling for young girls and women as glass ceiling-crashing, do it all, have it all wives and mothers.

But what about our young men?

Think how familiar these stereotypes are. A surly youth in boardies silently thumbing through his phone is a wife beater in progress, waiting for his turn grow up and bash and humiliate a woman.

A little boy in the playground is the junior macho bully waiting to pounce on a girl to make her cry, just because he can.

In this race to the bottom to emasculate and confuse young men, we become afraid of them and they in turn terrify each other. Or they become unsure how to act around women. More than once I have heard this among my son’s cohort: Why do feminists hate men?

Beyond this, do we want a generation of teenage boys and young men who, when not shoplifting or knifing each other, are hanging around drug taking or locked in their bedrooms zombied out on violent games because that’s what the awareness campaigns tell them is all that’s expected of them?

Or do we want to accentuate the positive, and show young men great role models of how to behave and treat women and each other?

A friend of mine has two boys, aged 16 and 18. She has a very close relationship with them and observes with interest the interactions between her sons and their female friends.

“I thought with all the talk about the so-called predatory behaviour of boys, I would find myself constantly intervening to pull them up and remind them about the absolute necessity of respecting women, both in words and deeds,” she tells me.

“What I have seen, however, fills me with equal measures of pride and disappointment that my boys and their friends have exceeded my high expectations in their interactions with girls, but at the same time bitter disappointment that they get such a bad rap by society.”

I hear you: Alert, alert, mother with rose coloured glasses.

But this single mum is one of the toughest women I know. She respects their independence and privacy, but has zero tolerance for anything remotely resembling anti-social behaviour.

“I can see how hard it is for boys to live in this world. All I see are a group of open-faced young men devoid of subterfuge and deceit. Sure there will always be bad eggs in the bunch, but the same can be said for both sexes.”

In her survey commentary, Ms Barry says a seismic global shift on tolerance towards men who abuse women means the penny has finally dropped for males here.

“For too long, women have done most of the work of bringing these issues to light and fighting for change,” she says.

“But now men are beginning to understand the magnitude of the issue and its impacts, and more are joining the cause.”

But teen boys do understand the “magnitude”. Anecdotally I see them more educated than ever about treating women as they would want to be treated themselves.

Still, go the extra mile on reinforcing confidence and reassurance for your son this Christmas.

And expect the bone crushing hug when you least expect it and nobody is looking.

@whatlouthinks

Originally published as When your son asks: Why do feminists hate men?