How to help children thrive post separation

Making the transition from one home to another following separation can take its toll on children. But there are simple and sensible ways to address things to ensure your children thrive, writes Dr Judith Locke.

Last week’s column was all about how to process the initial separation of parents to ensure it does not impact on your children too much.

This week, I want to talk about the best ways to ensure your children thrive post separation.

Should you have the opportunity to set up things yourself, I recommend the following actions.

Although lots of parents ask me for an ideal ratio of time with one parent versus the other, there’s no single ideal custody arrangement that works for all families, other than the one that best suits your family and your children’s wellbeing and safety.

MORE FROM DR LOCKE: The only way to navigate divorce when kids are involved

Research shows families should aim to make the transition from one home to the other as easy as possible as this appears to be one of the main mediating factors in children’s healthy adjustment.

Because of this, 50/50 works best when parents live close to each other, still get on well, and are willing to compromise occasionally for the good of the children.

It is ideal to have similar rules and expectations at both parents’ places — particularly if a child has behavioural issues — but that’s not always possible.

Of course, your child will always tell you how good things are in the other “home with no rules” but treat it as either a mythical land they have created to make you go easier on them or be a little nonchalant about their critique.

There are simple and sensible ways to address issues that arise during separation to ensure your children thrive. Picture: iStock

Your home, your rules.

Also remember that you have set up your rules for a purpose — the long-term wellbeing of your child and your relationship with them.

MORE FROM DR LOCKE: Parents, you’re in charge. Make sure your kids know it

If the other parent is super-lax, then they are adopting a very short-term policy that is not going to go well in the long term for either of them.

When children are at the other parent’s place, set up a regular phone call time, but try to be calm and positive in that call. While it might be tempting to ask if they miss you or tell them how bereft you are without them, there is no point in making them unsettled.

Avoid forcing them to assure you that you remain their preferred parent.

When reunited with your children, there will always be a crossover period where they are a little all over the shop.

This will be worse if the rules at the other parent’s are very different to yours. Try to be a little understanding of the transition they make and don’t expect them to start their homework or wash the car as soon as they get to your place.

MORE FROM DR LOCKE: Kids need to fail. And parents need to let them

Possibly have some low-key quality time to reconnect, such as walking the dog.

Make sure you aren’t too interested in what goes on at their other parent’s, particularly if your ex has re-partnered. You can ask general questions but don’t do an official investigation. Your child doesn’t automatically need therapy to cope with the separation.

Try to refrain from quizzing your kids on what goes on at the other parent’s house. Picture: Supplied

There’s not a lot of evidence for children benefiting from immediately seeing a counsellor post any tricky situation.

See how they cope first. If they exhibit out-of-character behaviour, I’d suggest you go to a psychologist or the school counsellor to learn better ways to respond if they regularly bring up their sadness, or backchat you, saying the divorce is all your fault.

MORE FROM DR LOCKE: What to say to your adult child who still lives with you

Research shows more than three quarters of children will have no negative impacts from their parents’ divorce. For those who are impacted, it is mainly due to parents’ ongoing conflict rather than the actual act of dividing the family.

Of course, it is unfortunate things have had to change but be confident you and your children can still flourish in the new arrangements.

TAKEAWAY FOR PARENTS

● You and your child or children are a team, but it is essential that you set up an arrangement that will work in the long term.

● Don’t do all of your chores when your child is away from you or reduce your expectations of them when with you. They need to experience normal life, not daily Disneyland.

● Develop your own interests when your child is not with you and try to fill the space positively with friends and activities. As your child becomes more independent, so should you.

● Without a doubt, the greatest impact on children’s wellbeing is parent’s wellbeing. Try to look to the future with confidence.

Send your questions to Dr Judith at [e-mail]