Lehmo: Why the Grand Final leaving Melbourne hurts
For many Victorians, the Grand Final moving to another state is like being dumped by a partner. We’re angry, we’re heartbroken, and we can only hope she comes crawling back, writes Anthony ‘Lehmo’ Lehmann.
Victoria
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Many years ago my long-term, live-in girlfriend told me that she was relocating to another man’s bedroom in another city. I was left heartbroken and angry — two emotions I felt this week as the AFL Grand Final decided to start seeing other cities.
Melbourne has been the events capital of Australia for many years and various raiders from around the country have tried, and failed, to get their hands on our prized possessions.
The Australian Open, the Formula One Grand Prix, the President’s Cup golf tournament and even the Melbourne Cup have been the subject of interstate interest.
It took a pandemic to loosen our defences but sadly the greatest event of them all, the AFL Grand Final, has slipped from our grasp and been delivered on a platter to the banana benders up north.
Queensland is where we send retiring cast members from Neighbours, not the AFL grand final.
Queensland is a state most famous for cane toads, a giant coal mine and Clive Palmer.
This is a state that considers a gathering to be diverse if the people present are of different heights. This is a state that gave us Pauline Hanson, Schapelle Corby and schoolies on the Gold Coast.
This is a state that thinks daylight saving will fade their curtains and wake their cows up early.
Do we really think NRL fans will magically convert to AFL after the hosting of a grand final? Brisbane had one of the best AFL teams of the past 50 years, coached by the greatest player of all time and they won three flags in a row.
And guess what? After the third flag, 90 per cent of Brisbanites thought Simon Black, Jonathon Brown and Darryl White were characters from the board game Cluedo. Imagine the Tour de France being held in Egypt or the US Masters being shipped off to Mexico — it’s just not right.
As for the Gabba, or the Woollongabba, it’s a greyhound track whose biggest claim to fame is hosting an Adele concert in 2017.
The MCG has hosted its very own Olympic Games and a string of crowds in excess of 100,000, and it has a global reputation as one of the great stadiums.
To make matters worse, Queensland Health has indicated that, as it stands, the Gabba will not be able to serve beer due to the stadium’s inability to manage 30,000 people to and from the bars within the strict COVID rules.
A Grand Final without beer! That’s like fish without chips, or Hamish without Andy, or Snoop Dogg without weed.
Queensland — beautiful one day, taking part in prohibition the next. The AFL Grand Final should not be an ambassador for Ocsober!
In the words of Slim Dusty “there’s nothing so lonesome, morbid or drear than to drink at the bar of a Grand Final with no beer”.
My girlfriend never returned but I hope the Grand Final can shake off the cane toads, the bogans and the instant coffee for her trip back home to the MCG.
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Originally published as Lehmo: Why the Grand Final leaving Melbourne hurts