An A-Z guide for Queenslanders: Please don’t stuff up our Grand Final
The AFL Grand Final means everything to Victorians. And the fact it is now in the hands of Queenslanders is a concern. How can we be sure they won’t ruin our favourite day? Please follow these rules.
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Dear Annastacia,
I’m writing to offer you some advice regarding the event you’ve stolen from our state. Sorry, I didn’t want to get off on the wrong foot. Scrap that, let me start again by asking a quick question? Any chance you could be our Premier?
We’ve got a few issues with this COVID business which you seem to have under a bit more control than our man down here. Anyway, we’re getting distracted from the reason I’m reaching out.
The AFL Grand Final means everything to us. While we have plenty of other big events which make our friends in NSW weep — you know that car race in March, the horse race in November and the hit of tennis in January — but they don’t mean as much to us as the last Saturday in September (well, it’s late October this year but you know what I mean).
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So we need to talk about how you’re going to take care of our prized possession. To assist I’ve enclosed an A-Z guide of what the GF involves with some little tips on how you should prepare and what is required to preserve its greatness because don’t forget it’s only on loan for 12 months.
Obviously we want you to enjoy this history-making moment so please pay careful attention to the following:
A – Akermanis: Surely you’ll be inviting Jason up for the big event. He owned the Gabba in his heyday and has Premiership Cup ambassador written all over him.
B – Brownlow Medal: Our version of the Dally M and usually a big shindig, but has been hijacked by the WAGS in recent times.
C – Cameron Smith: The only rugby league figure allowed to be mentioned at all.
D – Dusty Martin: Tends to get very interested at this time of the year. Don’t worry, you won’t miss him if the Tigers make it.
E – Eddie: In case you’re not a Who Wants To Be A Millionaire fan, he’s the one who pops up everywhere and his face will look like it’s about to explode if Collingwood is involved.
F – Freeman: Given it’s 20 years since she did her thing in Sydney, getting Cathy back to her home state to play a role on the day would be a clever idea.
G – Gazza: We briefly lent him to you a few years back when he held the Gold Coast Suns together. Could have a fairytale ending if Geelong can get up.
H – Holding The Ball: A rule which has been around for 100 years but changes weekly nowadays. Don’t ask.
I – Irwin: Steve Irwin’s kids to toss the coin, complete in Australia Zoo attire.
J – Joh Bjelke-Petersen: Your longest-serving premier needs some recognition on this historic day. Maybe name the GF sprint in his honour.
K – King Wally: We know Mr Lewis is a God in your state but no cross-coding is allowed except for our Storm man as mentioned earlier.
L – Lachie Neale: Your best player in the state who will win the Brownlow Medal so make sure you get a nice photo op arranged.
M – Meat Loaf: Under no circumstance consider him for the pre-game entertainment.
N – Night Time: We’ve never played our big game under the stars so this is another added layer of history that you can claim.
O – Overtime: Surely it happens this year. Every other weird thing that could have gone down has this season, but don’t worry Anna you don’t have to come back next week, we’ve changed the rules so just five minutes each end to get a result.
P – Powderfinger: Just make it happen.
Q – Queensland: Sorry Anna couldn’t think of anything else here but just wanted to repeat how much we love Queensland.
R – Razor Ray Chamberlain: Cult hero umpire who doesn’t stop yapping. Will keep you amused if he gets the big gig.
S – Score Review: Don’t even try to figure this out. We still have no idea how it works.
T – Torpedo: If you want to gain some cred around AFL types just throw in “he should kick a torp” any time someone is lining up for a shot at goal from a long way out.
U – Urban: Country music legend Keith grew up in your state and he has a habit of popping up at big events. Make sure Nicole comes along and taps the tambourine.
V – Virgin Party: Used to be the highlight of GF week where things got seriously loose. Need something similar.
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W – Whitsundays: Warn your friends on the islands because they’re about to be invaded by AFL footballers and their significant others who have no interest in returning to Victoria.
X – XXXX: We have no understanding on why you love this beer. Must be replaced by Carlton Draught.
Y – Year 2020: The worst year for most, but for you, Anna, a historic one. They will make movies about this season in years to come so start thinking about which Hollywood actress should play the Premier.
Z – Zorko: You need to get cosy with your captain Dayne Zorko because if the Lions win he’s the one you will be spending a lot of time holding up the premiership cup with.
Originally published as An A-Z guide for Queenslanders: Please don’t stuff up our Grand Final