Mentor Deb Rae stands up for Mackay’s mums with ‘Celebrate Me’ support program

A support program offers Mackay mums a space to talk honestly about the struggles of motherhood. Here’s what you need to know.

Deb Rae knows about the struggle and hardship of life and she’s using her experiences to stand up for Mackay’s mums.

Whether it’s the general exhaustion that comes with child-rearing or the slow loss of identity under the chaos of family life, Ms Rae wants to open up a space for mothers to hang together and talk things through.

“Often women feel like they are the only ones who feel like this and they can’t find anyone else who will speak honestly about what’s happening,” she said.

After speaking with a dozen Mackay mothers over the past year and from observing other women throughout her life, Ms Rae recognised some common themes.

“They’re overwhelmed,” she said.

“This sense of responsibility to make sure that everyone is OK.

“That feeling of having to do everything for everyone else and the mental load is about that.

“Making sure the kids turn up with the right uniform at school, they get to their playdates, you know when all the birthdays are and you when the dog has to be vaccinated.

“All of that information that mums have to hold.

“They talk about how overwhelming that is and it’s not recognised, there is no appreciation that mums are doing all of that.

“And obviously you can’t do all of that either.

“Things are going to fall through the cracks all the time, which creates a sense that you’re constantly failing and then that creates a sense of resentment.”

Ms Rae said women could easily lose their identity in the whirlpool of life.

It’s something she knows about after suffering through her own personal tragedy.

While living in Poland, a car struck and killed Ms Rae’s husband.

She was aged 36 at the time.

In her experience of turmoil and in coming through the other side, Ms Rae feels a connection with mothers.

“There is this sense you have to be strong or you have to look like you’re OK,” she said.

“And I really came to understand that it is the opposite.

“It’s when you’re able to talk about it and when you’re able to be honest about what is happening to yourself.

“That’s how you come to a point of acceptance.

“And understand that you’re not the only one.”

Now, Ms Rae operates a support program for mothers, called Celebrate Me, to help them preserve their identity.

“It’s walking alongside someone,” she explained.

“It’s about providing someone with the support they need to be able to make the changes they want in their life.

“I see what happens with them (mothers) at a range of points along their life.

“When their children are born, when their children go to prep, when their children leave home, when the mother goes back to work.

“Those milestones and the impact it has on them around their own identity.

“Their whole life is about supporting other people, doing everything for everyone else and they talk with me about losing their own identity in that process.”

Ms Rae said Mackay offered mothers a community but the social pressure around motherhood was only getting sharper with the advent of social media.

“I think there is definitely a community here for mums, with kids of any age,” she said.

“But I also think there is societal pressure, particularly with Facebook.

“We put photos on Facebook of our kids looking great and it can appear like we all have perfect happy families, when we know it can’t be like that all the time.”

For new mums in particular, Ms Rae has some advice:

“Make sure you take care of yourself in the process and that you’re not last on the list,” she said.

“You’re not below doing the washing and making sure the dishwasher is packed at the end of the night.

“That is what erodes your soul, if you never get any nourishment for yourself.”