How to own a gold iPhone and eat children

FACEBOOK to be rolled out to the starving and dying, the new iPhone will be gold and someone wants a 100-metre-tall statue of Steve Jobs.

iZealots launch campaign for Steve Jobs monument

A San Francisco group wants to build a Statue of Liberty-sized sculpture of Steve Jobs.

The Jobs fans, known as iZealots describe themselves as "bearers of his legacy".

The plan is expected to come unstuck when the group's parents call them all in for dinner.

"It's well past their bed time anyway," said one concerned mother.

Gap between households' average wealth is 'huge'

The RBA has released figures showing the vast gap between poor household and rich.

Several commentators pointed to election issues such as the cost of living and job creation.

Much has been made during the campaign about the ideological war on how to create jobs as reporting season sees companies admit to loss after loss.

"Either way, the GFC taught us how to stay afloat without so many staff," said an industry insider.

"Why people look to us for jobs is beyond our comprehension."

Mark Zuckerberg's hunt for five billion new friends

Mark Zuckerberg has started a new organisation to bring Internet to the rest of the world.

He joins a long list of filthy rich tech giants who've already promised to do the same thing.

"At least our plan used balloons ... and Kiwis" said an unnamed source at Google.

Zuckerberg's spokesperson denied claims that the Facebook founder was trying to make money off the poor of the world.

"This is about connecting the world, not about Mark's upcoming memoir available in all good book stores near you."

More Greens policies costed than Labor, Coalition

The Greens have had more policies costed than the other two major parties combined.

"People wanted costings, so we had our policies costed," said a Greens staffer.

"That may be true, but they're still waiting under our beds to eat our children," said a coalition MP.

New iPhone will/may have gold option

The rumour that the iPhone 5 will have a gold version won't go away.

Fears of an overbearing design were quashed with the assurance of it being 'champagne, not ingot'.

"One thing the iPhone's always lacked was a way of making you look like an idiot," said nobody, ever.

This column is purely a work of satire and any resemblance to real people or events indicates you may have a need for a stiff drink and a night on the town.