Theatre etiquette is in crisis

The bloke sitting next to me could have done with a shower or at least some Lynx, as theatre etiquette goes out the window, writes Phil Brown.

Actor Peter Finch in a scene from 1976 film 'Network'.

“I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take this any more!”

Before Shaun Micallef those words were spoken by Australian actor Peter Finch when he played the deranged newsreader in the 1976 film Network.

He’d had enough. I feel the same, but not about network TV (although that’s infuriating too) – I’m cranky about theatre etiquette.

Ever since we’ve gone back to the theatre after shutdown I have watched standards slipping, and bad behaviour and poor etiquette are now an epidemic, although the only vaccine for this is courtesy and common sense.

It all came to a head for me recently when I went to see Steven Oliver in his show Bigger and Blacker at Brisbane’s La Boite, which is still on if you want to catch it.

It’s a one-man show (two if you count musical director and pianist Michael Griffiths) and that requires concentration. So how do people think they can get up in the middle of it and go to the loo or get another drink? Talk about rude!

La Boite has a relaxed atmosphere but they do take it a bit far at times and don’t seem to impose any restrictions on patrons who regularly wander in five or even ten minutes after the show is supposed to have started. And we have to wait for them!

Opening night of Steven Oliver’s show Bigger and Blacker was terrific ... shame about the audience.

They amble in drinking and chatting. What I want to say is, “Sit down and shut up!” But even during the show they keep yakking and at the opening night performance of Oliver’s show, people wandered in and out like it was their loungeroom. He did look a bit thrown at one point when some bloke just walked past him on his way to the men’s room. “Tie a knot in it mate!” as my father used to say.

A colleague was there too, and she said the woman behind her talked the whole way through.

There’s lot of this going on now, and even at QPAC people seem to think they can just come in whenever they feel like it, even after the show or concert has started.

And they come and go as they please during the show, annoying other patrons and at times even distracting the people on stage.

I was at a show at the Cremorne Theatre at QPAC the other night, and it was the same, latecomers strolling in unperturbed. I went in with plenty of time to spare and, like a normal patron should, I found my seat, sat down, turned my phone to silent and waited for the show to begin.

Then I had to move because the gentleman who came and plonked himself next to me had obviously not showered for days and was quite unkempt. I felt like I was sitting next to Sir Les Patterson, although admittedly Sir Les does dress well at times.

Barry Humphries as Sir Les Patterson, who turned ‘unkempt’ into an art form.

The minimum requirement for attending the theatre should be that patrons have had a wash or at least used some Lynx, although as a teacher at my son’s school once told the boys, applying Lynx is not the same as a shower.

When I found another spot in the back row I sat down and then I saw two people come in, sit in the front row and to my amazement they put their wine glasses on the stage. Can you freaking believe that? I couldn’t.

A stage hand quickly spotted their transgression and asked them to remove the glasses because, well, Caroline O’Connor was about to come on and she didn’t want her stage to be turned into a bar.

You all know how I feel about attire and some months ago I launched a tirade about that but I’m afraid dress standards are still lax. At an intimate performance in the Opera Queensland Studio recently one bloke turned up in thongs and shorts. To the opera!

And it’s pretty clear that everyone’s phone should be off or on silent. At a Medici Concert in the Conservatorium Theatre last weekend we were listening to Russian pianist Konstantin Shamray (who was just so brilliant) when a phone went off. It was the woman behind me and she scruffled in her bag to haul it out and then added insult to injury by clumping up the stairs and going outside to answer it.

What the hell is going on?!?! I know we all got out of the habit of going to the theatre last year but it’s been a few months now since we all went back and surely we haven’t all forgotten the rules? You don’t have to go to have done a June Dally Watkins course in etiquette to understand the fundaments. And as for people putting their glasses on the stage, I mean, where are the bouncers when you really need them?